


Sixteen

by KR Grim (KR_Grim)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: AU, Futurefic, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-01-23
Updated: 2011-09-09
Packaged: 2017-10-15 00:38:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 31,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/155266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KR_Grim/pseuds/KR%20Grim
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sixteen short pieces on life after the defeat of Bec Noir. Takes place in the same continuity as Luck.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Planet

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Luck](https://archiveofourown.org/works/153616) by [KR Grim (KR_Grim)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KR_Grim/pseuds/KR%20Grim). 



Upon reflection, the planet that they’d picked out was fairly predictable. One sun, three moons, a fairly decent amount and variety of native flora and fauna. The sun wasn’t as bright as the trolls’ sun had been, but it was still brighter than the humans were used to. Dave and Aradia had confirmed that this was where they were supposed to be. They had seen themselves there in the future, several generations of trolls and humans… but no troll-human hybrids. Rose had theorized that it was due to biological incompatibility, and Karkat, grumbling, had to agree. The whole idea had been Egbert’s anyway, but Karkat had latched onto it as a means of not having to pick a troll matesprit or kismesis. Such was not his fate, apparently.

Nor, he reflected, looking at the village that the fourteen had made, was it his fate to be cast out into space. The two Sea Dwellers had adapted about as well to life on land as one could imagine — Eridan hadn’t needed any adaptation at all, and Feferi was always good at putting on a show of being okay with everything even if she wasn’t. That alone meant that there were going to be some big changes. Perhaps the troll couples would even raise youngsters themselves, instead of using Lusii. Karkat shuddered. The mental image was horrible and unnatural, and yet he couldn’t help but think of it. They weren’t going to be flying off and conquering anytime soon, after all. Their race was too small to do that yet. He personally wondered if they ever would. These humans had a weird effect on Karkat and his friends.

Karkat grimaced as he thought over things in his head. “Friends”. The word burned in the pit of his stomach. It wasn’t a proper troll relationship, “being friends”. And yet, somehow, that was the best term for what had happened to them all. They had become friends, even though there had been no rhyme or reason to it. They weren’t supposed to be friends. Hell, Vriska and John had to be kept from killing each other after he’d learned what she’d done to her friends, John included. And Karkat had seen the fight they eventually had, when she had almost gotten all fourteen of them killed by that fucking monster. It was hard to believe that a stupid kid with no battle experience could kill any troll, much less a god. And yet, he had to admit, John’s moves were something that not even Vriska, with all her luck, could dodge — and her stealing of John’s luck had somehow backfired. Karkat had his bets on why.

The nubby-horned troll grinned to himself. He imagined Strider had had thoughts like these as well; plans on how to beat the others in a fight were what Knights did. It was how being a Knight worked. And, ultimately, it was why the Knight would be forever in charge of strategy, be he of Time or of Blood or of any little fucking thing. Karkat spotted Dave patrolling the town, that stupid fucking sword still at his side. Sure, Karkat had seen with his own eyes how good a weapon Dave had made of that half-sword, but the sword’s ability was stupid and pointless. A sword that could grow longer, whoop-de-fucking-do.

Karkat lay his head back on the grass. Village life wasn’t exactly hard, but it had presented him with some truly unusual ideas, such as the idea that perhaps Feferi’s idea about culling wasn’t so wrong. That perhaps the sick and infirm should be taken care of, instead of fed to the howling canines. Yes, it would be a massive project, but as Feferi had an annoying habit of pointing out, defeating Bec Noir had been a daunting project as well, and they’d pulled that off with aplomb.

“Not that it didn’t cost lives,” muttered Karkat, turning onto his stomach. “Stupid John, prototyping Jade’s sprite with her lusus…”

“Ah, but that was Vriska’s fault,” said Terezi from slightly behind and to the right of him. He looked to see her in a t-shirt and jeans, an ensemble he thought she’d perhaps never wear again. “And her fault we lost Tavros.” She paused. “Not so surprising that John offed her, in the end. One God killing another.”

“And don’t think that’s escaped Aradia’s notice. Seriously, she lorded that shit over Equius so hard…” He chuckled, mimicking her voice. “The only two who are still alive who ascended to godhood are me and him, so your blue blood superiority can kiss my red-blooded ass, you sweaty shitbag.”

“That wasn’t exactly what she said,” chided Terezi, boffing Karkat on the head. “Anyway, John was wondering how you were holding up. I told him to chill out.” She leaned back. “Still, I think Dave wanted to talk to you about… um… whatever this all is supposed to be.”

“This is called a hill. It overlooks a thing called a village, which is on a thing called a planet.” Again, she slapped him upside the head. “OK, OK, I’ll talk to Dave, see what’s up with this. But you do realize that the vast majority of this planet is untamed wilds, right?”

“Absolutely,” said Terezi, head turned towards him as he pushed himself into a standing position. As he began to walk off, she touched his hand. Briefly, he looked at her, and she smiled at his face. Karkat tugged lightly at her hand, and together they went down to find Dave, hand in hand.

This planet, decided Karkat, wasn’t half bad. No, it wasn’t bad at all.


	2. Decrees

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feferi's latest decrees have someone riled up. Several someones, in fact.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is mostly a setup chapter for something that happens much later. Still, it has some good bits in it, I think.

They had been over this a dozen times, and arguing about it in the human John’s soon-to-be living room wasn’t making things any easier. Karkat did appreciate having a door to slam if he got angry, though. He’d missed having that since the trouble in the veil. “Fef… No. Just… no. I’m sorry, but as your leader, I command you not to go through with this goddamn bullshit. Seriously. Otherwise troll society will be tearing itself apart at the seams.”

“Catfish, you know as well as I do that that’s a load of shark crap.” Karkat rolled his eyes. Just because Maryam had hatched their new Mother Grub in the bowels of the goddamn meteor, Peixes had apparently decided that certain changes were in order. Not that she should have that kind of authority. She’d accepted his leadership, had been one of the biggest champions of it in fact, and now here she was, shitting all over the concept. “And besides, our mating cycles come along less frequently than the humans’ do. Do you really want them overrunning us? Because you glubbing well know they will.”

“We’re the more combat-ready species,” said Karkat. “Sheer numbers mean jack shit with a combat disparity that large. If anything, their massive amounts of breeding will put them at a disadvantage. I mean, look at how many goddamn imps we slaughtered. Tell me the humans wouldn’t be the same way.”

“You wouldn’t be able to kill them,” said Feferi. “And any trolls that grew up with them would find it hard, too. Like killing a good friend. There’s a reason all the threshecutioner squads and archeradicators and cavalreapers culled either people they hated or people they didn’t fucking know, Karkat!” Karkat blinked. She had gone at least half a minute without some stupid fish pun. She was serious. “Besides, troll culture has to change. And I think that we can affect that change if we follow these simple guidelines.”

“Those aren’t guidelines, Feferi. They’re a fucking stranglehold. And you’re not leader anymore, finface. I am, you got that?” Feferi shrugged.

“And yet, I’m the glubbing empress, so… tough scales, Crabcatch. I’m going to make these decrees, and they will be binding, because even if you’re our leader — and a really good one, even if you don’t think so — I’m the Empress, and my trolls need me. So stop floundering with excuses, because I’m sure you can salmon the strength to carp us going whale we’re adjusting.” And without waiting for a reply, Feferi turned and walked briskly from the room.

Karkat stared, dumbfounded, at the door for a few moments. “…I swear, that ‘carp’ was shoehorned in.”

***

A week later, and Karkat still couldn’t believe what was going on. He was thankful trolls were resilient, because otherwise the brawl he had been in yesterday would have probably killed him and Kanaya, and torn out a fair amount of Eridan’s guts. Not that there hadn’t been any lasting damage done — one of Nepeta’s horns had been chipped, and Eridan would probably have that Equius-induced limp forever, but all in all it was one of the easier brawls he’d been in since becoming leader.

He could remember the Imperial Decrees like it was yesterday. Which, he sourly reminded himself, it was.

The first had been a little surprising, but that was mostly due to it seeming to be a measure to prevent infidelity in this small troll group. It was a decent, if imperfect, solution. “Each troll shall now live in a hive with one other troll in a hive, instead of the traditional harem arrangement.”

Then came the second decree. “Trolls shall learn to celebrate the human custom of marriage, and will have either a kismesis or a matesprit — but not both. Each troll marriage must be the pair living in the same hive, and will supply twice the genetic material otherwise required.” This had caused a few random murmurs, and one loud shout — Karkat’s.

“BULLSHIT!” He had roared up to the front of the crowd, pushing aside Aradia, since Equius was standing next to her and he’d break his arm if he tried to push the massive troll out of the way. “Do you realize that trolls aren’t monogamous creatures? We need the institution of bigamous relationships to function as a proper society!”

“Shut up, Karkat! This isn’t your decision!” Feferi was glaring at him. Well, her Imperial Condescension had every right to do that. But she didn’t have the right to make whatever fucking changes she wanted.

“Hey, fishbrains, who’s the one who has the deepest understanding of troll romance? Because last time I checked, it was me! I’m the one who knows this fuckery best!”

“Don’t talk to her like that, mutant scum!” shouted Eridan, whipping out his god tier weapon.

“Oh, try and stop me, brinesucker.” Karkat’s sickle was drawn. Eridan’s trigger finger itched. It was about then that Equius interposed himself between the two.

“While I would normally approve of your actions against Ampora, Vantas,” he said, glaring at the two of them equally, “you threatened the Empress, something I cannot condone. Period.”

“…Fine.” Karkat backed down, but only because he didn’t want to risk Equius actually following through on his threat. One enraged noble was bad enough. Having Equius add fuel to that fire was something only an idiot would do.

“Are we all settled?” There was a small murmur of assent. Feferi smiled at the crowd. “Very well then. Thirdly and finally…” Karkat knew what was coming now. It was what she had brought up at every meeting they’d had. It was the first thing she’d demanded out of him, as if she had any right to demand. From him, at least. “Henceforth, all trolls shall be raised by other trolls, instead of by Lusii.”

That had caused no fewer than three other trolls to rush the Empress, with Equius diving to interpose. True, he traditionally feuded with the nautical aristocracy, but as he had pointed out, she was the goshdarned Empress, and he was her reluctantly loyal servant. Still, the brawl had grown quickly, and soon a mass of kicking, biting, punching, screaming trolls were in an orgy of violence. Eridan had pulled out his god weapon and was using it like an unwieldy club, Nepeta’s claws were out and sharpened, and Sollux had abandoned his telekinesis and was just punching, scratching, biting, and kicking anyone who tried to get close enough to Feferi to inflict damage.

But the brawl had eventually run its course, and the aftermath had been a sight to behold. About thirty teeth littered the ground, not including the ones that had been trampled into the dirt. One of Terezi’s lenses had been shattered, and Equius’s shades had actually been snapped in half. There were tattered bits of shirts all over, and splashes of every blood color, including Karkat’s mutant candy-red blood, which was still proving difficult for Eridan to scrub off his precious god-tier bullshit weapon.

All in all, it had been a fiasco, and when Feferi had growled, “I fucking mean it,” that made the whole thing seem even more pointless than it already had. Especially since the four teeth that had been knocked out of her jaw had begun regrowing with frightening speed.

Karkat poked at his still-loose replaced fangs with his tongue. They’d taken root slightly, but he had kept himself on a liquid diet until they stopped wriggling when he tried to move them with his tongue. After all, he was of the lower class. The redder your blood was, the easier it was to just stick your teeth back in instead of chancing them regrowing. It was one of the first things even a barely-competent lusus taught you.

The view of the village from the hill was somewhat comforting. The sight of seven hives that would begin growing at an unusually fast rate was comforting to him. And he had to admit, as wrigglerish as it was, he’d enjoyed having a second chance at building. It had made him feel… giddy.

Even if, for the present, until the arrangements were figured out, the trolls were staying in the humans’ hives in separate rooms.

The hill did have one other advantage, one that made Karkat very glad for its existence. He was the only one who came here for perspective. Others would go off into the nearby plains, or the nearby forest, or even the river that ran nearby. He had seen Feferi swimming in it, frolicking like an aquatic hoofbeast and trying to drag Sollux in. He had watched the whole thing from his vantage point up on the hill, and it was refreshing to see the two of them like that.

The tap on his shoulder, however, was completely unexpected, and he had already drawn the Regisickle and spun around to see what was there. Terezi giggled and pushed the sickle aside; its sharp edge bit into her carapage slightly, but she didn’t seem to care too much. She rubbed her injured hand off on Karkat’s sleeve. “Hey, Karkles.”

Karkat rolled his eyes and put the sickle away. “The fuck do you want, Terezi?” he asked, sitting down again, his back to the village.

“Oh, just wanted to talk about yesterday.” She smirked at him; apparently, one of her fangs had been torn out. “I think there’s a great deal of shit to talk about here. The others, the village,” she indicated the town behind him, sitting next to him, “the future…” She put a hand on his shoulder. “I can kinda see it, you know. What’s on your mind in all this.”

“Yeah, I know. Seer of Mind and all that. Just like how I’m Knight of Blood, so…” He put a hand on hers. “Not that all that matters. What matters is… Fuck if I know anymore.” He looked up at the sky “Though I am wondering. How the fuck did you find my secret thinking spot?”

“Oh, that’s an easy one,” she said. “This is my secret thinking spot.” He looked incredulously at her. She grinned at him, showing off her missing fang. “Please. Like you’re the only one who thought a big hill would be a good place for thinking. Dave comes here too.”

“Right. The coolkid. How could I forget?”

Karkat had a feeling that the little “Pff” she had let out was the equivalent of an eyeroll from anyone else. “He’s not as bad as you keep making him out to be.” She stretched slightly. “And there’s nothing going on between us. You of all people ought to know that, Mr. Romantic-Sleuthing-Acumen.” She gently dug at him with her elbow.

He lifted her hand off his shoulder and lay back. The grass felt good against his back. “Yeah, yeah, shove a cork in it.” There wasn’t any real rancor in that statement. At the very least, the rancor wasn’t any more than usual. “What did you think of Her Imperial Condescension’s decrees?”

“Honestly?” asked Terezi. Karkat sighed.

“Honestly. I want to know.”

“I think that if we’re going to live alongside the humans, her decrees aren’t just necessary — they’re a good idea. I mean, we can only create offspring at certain times. Humans… from what John’s said, the time of year doesn’t matter to them.” She smirked. “It’s actually kinda disgusting, the way it works out.”

“Eh, disgusting is as disgusting does. Which means that inevitably John winds up being a fucking slob and Strider winds up being a creeper.” Karkat closed his eyes. “It feels so weird. I mean, we’re trolls, right? So why are we living like humans? What could possibly be to our benefit from that?”

Terezi laughed. Karkat could hear her lying back on the grass next to him. “Do you want my answer, or do you want yours?”

“…What the hell. Indulge me, let’s hear both.”

“Well, first off, my position is that we would have been doomed if the humans hadn’t existed. If something had happened to them, we’d have found ourselves on a planet that we would be unable to leave. And that planet would have killed us — all of us — faster than you could say ‘What the fuck’.” Karkat frowned. “I know you don’t like to think about things in that manner, but the truth is, that’s how it works. Paradox space runs on paradoxes, and anyone who tries to break the cycle winds up dead. Or worse.”

“So in other words, we should play nice because if they hadn’t come along, we’d be doomed. Not that we won’t die, but we’re living the lives we were supposed to move to, et cetera, blah blah blah.” Terezi nodded.

“That’s my viewpoint.” She ruffled his hair; he still couldn’t figure out how her crazy sense of smell worked. “And so if they managed to survive as a species and blunder into interdependency with us with that kind of culture, there must be some kind of benefit in it. So I figure we can do ourselves a lot worse than adopting some of their cultural beliefs.”

“So, basically, we needed them, they needed us, we should prove that we can be like them.” Karkat sighed. “And me?”

“You’re a lot simpler.” She rolled on top of him. “You remember when Eridan first contacted you about angel-killing?”

“Yeah. I asked him if they dropped any grist, he said no, and I believe my next words were ‘Then you probably shouldn’t be fucking killing them, you ass.’ Followed by a bit more shouting about how stupid he is.”

“Which he definitely is. But you got something instinctively that I’m not sure most trolls — or even all of us remaining ones — would have gotten. If there’s no benefit to killing it, don’t kill it. And what benefit would we have gotten from killing the humans?”

“Jack shit,” said Karkat. “It’d be pointless. Even that idiot Egbert is more useful alive than dead.”

“Exactly. And since you’re our leader, you’ll understand that, and want that idea — that killing should be done for tangible benefits — spread throughout the troll consciousness quickly. And what would be the best way to do that?”

“…Raising the wrigglers ourselves. And the easiest way for them to get a coherent message is to shrink the number of messengers.” He moved a hand up to her back. “But you can’t have a single troll be in charge of this education, because there’s no guarantee of intelligence. Pairing off gives you a better shot of having a smart troll who fucking understands be the one in charge of message.”

“Exactly,” said Terezi. “You’re looking to keep the species alive — and the best way to do that is to adapt.”

“Fuck. I never thought I’d be arguing for Fef’s decree.” He opened an eye and looked carefully at her face. “And the others?”

“They’ll come to their realizations, in time. None of them really have coherent arguments against it, and they all understand, deep down, why it’s necessary.” She grinned again, this time a feral grin somehow made scarier by her lack of a fang. “Of course, it being necessary and them liking it… well, those are two different things, now aren’t they?”


	3. Courtship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look into the careful dance of romance and courting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...holy shit 8K words what. oy vey.
> 
> Also, this chapter takes almost a whole year of IC time.

Karkat glared at his calendar. They’d adopted the human term “month” for the perigee, but he’d managed to get them to accept the term “sweep” instead of “year”. Not that it did much good, since a sweep on this planet was barely over half a sweep. The day he’d chosen to represent his wriggling day was written on the calendar. It was tomorrow. He’d be seven — no, wait, it hadn’t been a full and proper Alternian solar sweep, he had calculated it out and it turned out to be… He sighed. He would be twelve new sweeps old. Twelve sweeps. How had he gotten to be so fucking old? He was older than Will Smith was when they began making the Thresh Prince, back when it was still _good_!

Time for thinking about that later. The hives had been built. The trolls had to figure out their bonds for now. They could always be changed later (here Karkat suppressed a laugh; the fact that Dave was Jade’s romantic destiny was payback for all that password bullshit she’d pulled on him) but this would be the first foray into courtship for all of them.

Karkat blanched. That meant he would have to help Gamzee out, if push came to shove. He’d been receiving moirail training from Nepeta on how to deal with the whims and rage of the higher bloods, and it was working to a point. He’d managed to stop Gamzee from going on murderous rampages, at least, even if he had then apparently gone on to make black advances at Eridan that were so creepy that the sea-dweller had gone and practically begged him to make it stop. But that had been payback for all the awkward black advances Eridan had paid upon the rest of them.

He swallowed slightly as he remembered the other peril, one with green blood and claws. Nepeta adamantly believed that she was perfect for him, that the two were meant to be matesprits, when anyone with half a brain could see the whole thing falling apart. And it would probably explode while they were at it, and take their moirails’ ability to function without going to Batshit Insane Junction with it. Followed by enough murder to make Paradox Space flow with the blood of two sapient species.

“OK, Karkat. You can do this. Nerves of steel. You’ve faced worse. Twenty-four motherfucking grubs and they were all crawling all over you. This is a grubshoot compared to that. You can do this.”He walked out of the house that he and the other men had been living in. For some reason, John had insisted that “the boys” sleep together and “bach it”, whatever that meant, and Jade had insisted the same of the girls, except she didn’t say “bach it” like she was some moronic jackoff.

But none of that mattered. It was going to be super fucking awkward, since he’d have to both let down Nepeta as best he could (which would probably be a bit rougher than she deserved, truth be told, but it needed resolution) and figuring out if his feelings for a certain blind girl were requited or not. He had a feeling they were, but it was only that — a feeling.

As he got himself dressed, he thought about how unusual the whole situation was. Here he was, about to live in a society with humans for the rest of his life, and troll culture was going to be fundamentally different from the next generation on.

Or, to borrow a phrase he’d heard from Dave before Bec Noir was defeated, shit was about to enter a whole new world of fucked up.

***

Equius was sweating again. Ever since Aradia had begun their caliginous matespritship, the world had been different. True, she had returned to being filled with blood so filthy that it could scarcely be believed such fluid could be called “blood”, but his subservience to her, the subversion of the chain of command… such erotic depravity was beautiful in its own right.

And their mutual disdain for the deceased blue-blood had continued to be a point of bonding for them. Then again, the sources of the disdain were entirely different. Equius had sneered down at her out of principle. Aradia’s anger was borne from more personal sources — grudges, rancor at murders and attempted murders, et cetera.

The blue-blood smirked to himself. Of course that was how it worked. Bonding over mutual platonic hatred of a common foe was one of the many ways in which a flushed romance could blossom. It was, in fact, the most noble way for them to form. And it had been the way their relationship had formed, at least somewhat.

But there was another axis, one that Equius could never quite explain. She was, in truth, a goddess. That wasn’t an embellishment. From what he could tell, that was the game terminology for the transformation she’d undergone. She was a goddess now. But… her blood was red. And not just any red. It was the lowest red you could go, unless you counted the mutant. In Equius’s mind, Vantas didn’t count. His mutant blood was ignorable. Very ignorable. So that left Aradia. Vomit-blooded Aradia was a goddess. He had to follow her, but every instinct he had told him that he was, ultimately, better than her.

The two impulses tore into him. He was supposed to follow the hemospectrum’s order, except where the divergence between the Nautical Aristocracy and the land-dwellers began, but he was also supposed to obey the greater authorities. Vantas didn’t count; he was a freak-blood and a so-called “leader” and that amounted to exactly two things: jack and shit. Feferi had been a sea-dweller, but she was the Empress, so it only made sense to grant that noble an exception. But Aradia was a step above. She was a goddess. And that meant…

That meant…

Equius grabbed the tome of stupid prankster bullshit and threw it through the wall. He heard a few dull cracks in the distance; the book had probably snapped a few trees in half. It hadn’t been especially heavy, but he’d needed to break something, and the wall seemed as good a thing as any.

The highblood had finally embraced his position. There should have been blood from every corner of the hemospectrum painting the walls. Equius should have been dead. Perhaps from being beaten to death by those inane clubs the highblood insisted upon carrying. Or maybe the highblood would have strangled him with his perfect hands. That would have been wonderful. And if that had happened, he wouldn’t have had to deal with the inner turmoil that was tearing him apart from the inside out.

He needed a release. He needed someone to help clear his rage. It was time to call upon the services of his moirail again.

 **_centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling  arsenicCatnip [AC] (09:50)_   
CT: D --> nepeta  
CT: D --> i hoof a serious question   
AC: :33 > *nepeta angles her head, a furrious curiosity on her brow*   
CT: D --> the highb100d is rid of the e%cuse of sopoforic to%ins po100ting his b100d to e%plain why he has not e%terminated all of us  
CT: D --> how is it that we hoof continued e%istence   
AC: :33 > i think it’s because karkitty is helping him!  
AC: :33 > he’s a moirail and he’s a purrty good one once i helped train him!  
AC: :33 > purrhaps even good enough that he won’t have to keep an eye on mr. meowkara today!   
CT: D --> i will a%cept this for now  
CT: D --> but there is something else troubling me  
CT: D --> you know my position on the hemospectrum and its intricacies   
AC: :33 > yes  
AC: :33 > it’s not like you’re exactly quiet about it  
AC: :33 > is it about aradia? :((   
CT: D --> e%actly  
CT: D --> her nature as the embodiment of divinity is at odds with her po100ted b100d  
CT: D --> how can one so low on the hemospectrum be so e%tremely powerful  
CT: D --> it is most infuriating  
CT: D --> it is the most goshdarned infuriating thing i have ever beheld  
CT: D --> and that includes that mutated urine-stream that courses through vantas’s veins pretending to be b100d   
AC: XOO > it is not urine!!!  
AC: :33 > it is red and candylike, just like the humans’ blood!  
AC: :33 > and anyway, i imagine that even though you are purrtending to be furrious you really want to claws your arms around aradia!   
CT: D --> i assume you mean close   
AC: :33 > it’s a shipper’s purrogative to swap out words!  
AC: :33 > anyway my advice is fur you to not think about it too much!  
AC: :33 > even though i know you’ll ignore it i will not paws in giving it to you.  
AC: :33 > anyway i know fur certain that aradia will be waiting fur you  
AC: :33 > well, i have to get ready to confess to karkitty! :33  
AC: :33 > bye equius! see you soon!   
_arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling  centaursTesticle [CT] (10:01)_ **

Nepeta was right. No matter what happened, today was a turning point. And perhaps Aradia’s caliginous affections, in addition to the burning red disgrace that he almost wanted to rip from his carapace, would help to keep him calm.

***

The blindness still hurt his eyes. Sollux hadn’t had the time necessary to hone his senses like Terezi had, and now he was paying the price for it. And what a price it was. He was, in some ways, thankful for the human invention of handicapped accessibility. Yes, it was a pain in the ass, and yes, every troll sensibility of his cringed at its implementation, but Terezi’s training hadn’t quite taken yet. And until it took, every advantage would be worth its weight in gold.

He grumbled to himself. His favorite Doom power was useless. And while the power to judge the auspiciousness of an action was still pretty spiffy, he missed being able to squint at someone and make them unlucky. That had been a choice power. But no, the Eye of Doom was gone. His empty eye sockets glared at the screen. Equius had offered to make him robotic eyes, but the thought was a little off-putting, and the idea of Equius handling something as delicate as ocular replacement surgery was a fucking laugh.

No, Sollux would have to get used to his blindness. And the pain that came from exposed nerves constantly hitting air while his eyes were open. He knew there was an easy solution to the problem — walking around with his eyes closed — but he preferred the mental image of walking around with the two gaping black holes in his carapace open for all to see.

He stumbled over to the door. He’d have to talk to her again. Perhaps tomorrow, though. Sollux didn’t like the idea of asking about these things in front of Karkat. Especially since it would probably make him jealous, and the last thing you did was make your best bro jealous. No, he’d put on his shirt, get ready, get out there… He was thankful that he lived on the first floor, and so long as he got out quickly enough, there wouldn’t be any…

The smell of Faygo hit his nostrils like a brick as he opened the door. He’d learned to associate certain scents with certain trolls, and Gamzee’s was the easiest. “Mornin’, motherfucking yellowblood,” he said. His voice was dangerously quiet. “I got a motherfucking question for you, bitch! Where. In the holiest of holy goddamn motherfucks?! Is my moirail.”

“KK’s over… that way.” He pointed to his right; the room next door to his was Karkat’s, and it would be reasonable to assume that he was getting dressed.

“HONK. I tried there, fucker. He ain’t in his goddamn room! So I’m gonna ask you again. Where the fuck is he?!” Sollux winced. The fluctuations were difficult to handle.

“I’m not sure,” he finally admitted. “If I had to guess…”

“Save your fucking breath. I’ll find him later! Right now, I think I’ll pay the peasantblood a call.” Gamzee walked away, honking madly. Sollux wiped the sweat from his brow. The situation would probably escalate if Karkat didn’t hurry up and calm Gamzee down. It took Sollux a few minutes before he was finally good enough to head out, and by that time the honking had stopped.

Shuddering, Sollux turned left and walked straight into someone. Another troll. And this one smelled like a sense of unbearable smugness wrapped in a coating of incredible flaming douche. “Ampora,” he said. “Get out of my fucking way.”

He could hear Eridan’s grumbling. “Careful with that attitude, blindy, or I’ll knock out the rest a your teeth.” He looked over his shoulder. “Anyway, leawe me alone. I’m awoiding Makara. You hawen’t seen him around, hawe you?” Sollux suppressed a grin. This could be a moment of payback for Ampora’s constant attempts to split up him and Feferi. “Please, Captor. I’m fuckin beggin you. Tell me a place where I can hide.”

“Sure,” said Sollux. “He’s looking for Karkat. You might want to try hiding upstairs somewhere. Equius’s room or nearby ought to be a good hiding place.”

“Fuckin Equius. Why couldn’t Makara set his caliginous ambitions on that sunnuwabitch? Dumbest fuckin thing ewer.” Sollux shrugged, and Ampora pushed him aside. As Sollux walked out the door, he whistled to himself. Sollux Captor, caliginous matchmaker.

***

“No, it’s not the ‘it’s not you it’s me’ speech, Nepeta,” said Karkat. This was exactly what he had feared. Terezi had dragged Nepeta along. “It’s the fact that if there were an ‘us’, things would quickly devolve, and Gamzee and Equius would be without moirails.”

“Fur a romance expurrt, you don’t know too much, Vantas,” she snarled.

“I know enough,” said Karkat. “And we’ve got to face facts. There’s no fucking way you and I would work as a redrom couple. Have you ever seen any of these movies?” Karkat handed her a list.

“Um… I’ve seen that one…” She flipped through the list. Six pages later, she added, “And that one’s furmiliar…” Another ten pages flipped, to the last page. “So I only recognize three. Why did you pick all these?”

“The common theme for all of them is botched redrom, usually because it’s horribly flushed and horribly unrequited and those two together is a _horrible_ combination. Especially when it enters into the territory you’re proposing… which amounts to ‘Indulge me’. Do you have any idea how often that sort of thing is going to end in infidelity? And red infidelity at that, the less common and, in my opinion, more devastating kind.”

Nepeta frowned. “But life isn’t a movie, Karkitty.” Karkat shot a glance at Terezi, who was standing off to the side and most adamantly not getting involved. “Besides, you owe me something. I taught you how to be a good enough moirail that Gamzee hasn’t tried to kill anybody!” Karkat sighed; he could see Gamzee, his advances on Eridan almost hilarious. He would have laughed if he hadn’t had this situation to deal with.

“Nepeta, listen. It’s almost a hundred percent. And the red infidelity isn’t just from the less enthusiastic partner. Eventually the other partner gets wind of the affairs, becomes hurt, and seeks a red affair with someone else. And then the matespritship fails horribly. It breaks apart at the seams, the genetic material becomes fucking useless, and it’s all thanks to a really bad choice.” Karkat coughed. “And there are ten of us.”

“But Karkitty…”

“No. Just… no.” Karkat turned his back on her. Turning down a girl was harder than he thought. “It wouldn’t work, Nepeta. If this were Alternia of old, we could maybe get away with that disaster, because there would be social constructs keeping Equius and Gamzee from killing everyone. But we can’t do this. We can’t wreck everything Kanaya worked so hard for.”

He sighed and began walking towards his hill again. “I need a break. I swear by the fucking god-frog, I need a break.” He had gotten maybe six steps before he tripped. Whatever tripped him then planted a cane in the small of his back. He quickly put two and two together. “Fuck it, Terezi, what do you want? I already made Nepeta feel horrible, do you want me to be like that with everyone because I can goddamn well do that if you want me to, and I can start with — “ The cane drove his head into the ground.

“I want you to listen, jackass.” She knelt next to him. He knew better than to argue with her. If she said shut up, she would probably make him if he kept talking. “You think that I asked you to do that on a whim? That I wanted to see you shoot Nepeta down without so much as a backwards glance?” Karkat cringed.

“Look, Terezi, I couldn’t face her after I’d just done so much — “

“Don’t say it.” He could feel her dead red eyes glaring at the back of his head. “Don’t you fucking dare, Karkat. You think you hurt her, and yeah, you probably did. But you let her know why, and you didn’t say you hated her.” Terezi smiled slightly. “You explained to her why it’d be such a bad idea.” She helped him sit up. He could hear Nepeta’s quiet sobbing behind him. “And yes, you made her cry, but honestly? It’s not as bad as it could have been.”

“It’s still pretty fucking bad,” argued Karkat.

“Oh, I’m not denying that,” said Terezi. “But… I know you, Karkles.”

“Again with that fucking nickname.” The anger had leaked rom his voice. He was just tired. He wanted to go and lie down and _think_ for a while. Or possibly sleep.

“Look, you want to know how some others would have handled it? There’s plenty of trolls who got killed in the Glub who would’ve just told her no and not even explained to her why they were rejecting her. Or there’s Equius, who would’ve turned her down for being a green-blood. Or Eridan, who I think needs Gamzee as his partner because it’s the only viable blackrom option.”

“I know. And I know that some of us might’ve just fucking gone and accepted despite the certainty of infidelity, and we would’ve been fucked over with like maybe three grubs if that. Better a weak reciprocation than something so hideously one-sided as to make its material worthless.” He sighed. “It’s just… I never wanted to get so entangled in this whole fucking thing. I was secretly hoping that maybe Nepeta’s red crush would… well… go away.”

“I know.” He looked over; Terezi was sitting with her hands in her lap. “Of course… there’s always hope that whoever you have red feelings for will develop red feelings towards you.” She placed a hand on his leg. “Even if he is a total grump-britches.”

It took him a few moments to parse what she’d said. It almost sounded like… Carefully, he entwined his fingers with hers. “Well, redrom strikes at the most unusual targets, even if she _is_ the bitchiest bitch who ever bitched.” She laughed, leaning in closer.

“I had no idea you were that into Vriska.” Her eyes had fluttered closed, and she was grinning unbearably.

“Who said anything about that backstabber?” He closed the gap between their lips. Time slowed and froze as he held her close. He wanted the moment to go on forever. Perhaps he’d finally get what he wanted.

***

Aradia had woken up that morning angry. Rose had banged on her door, probably to awaken the still-sleeping troll girl. Her dreams had been pleasant. Memories of friends, and a game shared amongst themselves, and finally being rid of the voices of the recently deceased. Dreams of a long-lost romance with Sollux, and of a foundling romance with Equius — one that had never been given the chance to bloom properly. A mesh of memories that, all in all, made for a better dream than what had passed for dreaming back on Alternia. There was a reason they slept in a stew of soporific toxins.

She slowly walked down the stairs. She still couldn’t quite believe that Feferi’s affection had held up, even after Sollux’s blinding and the revelation that his doom was to never be able to swim. She giggled a little; each of them had had a “doom” pronounced by Sollux. In most cases, it wasn’t much — although Aradia was fairly certain that Nepeta’s doom had included something along the lines of “You and Karkat will never be”, something which she was probably still denying. Aradia’s had been baffling, though. “You will never know a gentle lover’s embrace.” She kicked a rock. She’d show his stupid prophecies. She’d find a lover and they’d produce entire bucket _factories_ full of genetic material. And then Sollux’s doom would be wrong and she’d laugh in his stupid face.

As she saw Feferi and Sollux sitting on the riverbank, she sighed. It wouldn’t be Sollux. That ship had sailed. And to think of trying to wrestle Feferi’s attentions away from him, well, that was laughable.

It wouldn’t be Gamzee or Eridan, either. The two were in a ferocious shouting match, the seeds of a fluctuating caliginous romance flourishing. Clearly they would kiss sometime soon. Or should, at any rate. The alternative was Gamzee biting off one of Eridan’s ears, and that thought made her shudder. She mentally reprimanded herself for the erotic imagery she’d given herself.

Kanaya was trying to comfort Nepeta on the hill. Aradia pondered as she continued walking. Perhaps one of them would work well. She’d begin her quest there. Or maybe with Equius; she had enjoyed her time with him, even if it had been cut short.

***

It had been three weeks since Karkat had broken up with her, and Nepeta Leijon was finally moving on. Kanaya seemed interested in forming a matespritship with her, and so perhaps the two of them could do a decent job. It wouldn’t be much, but there were points of possible attraction. Of course, it wouldn’t be easy, but very few things were.

She passed Karkat walking hand in hand with Terezi. The two were almost as bad as Sollux and Feferi, but with the added torment of reminding Nepeta that Terezi had something she could never have. The one thing that Nepeta had wanted most of all. She hated Terezi, but at the same time she wanted nothing but the best for her. The feeling could have grown into a decent black crush… but no, that would be a bad idea now, with Feferi’s decree. Besides, he was happy with her. She was his matesprit. And Nepeta wanted, more than anything else, for Karkat to be happy.

Nepeta didn’t realize she was crying until she felt a hand wipe off her cheek. She turned to her left; sitting there, dressed all in red, was Aradia, a tear running down her face as well. “Aradia?” The other girl nodded. “What’s wrong?”

“Oh… Equius is hiding from me, Eridan is begging me to mediate between him and Gamzee…” Aradia sniffed slightly. “As if I’d ever mediate in that kind of dispute.” She sighed as she planted her face in her hands. “You? Still feeling sad and bitter and angry at Karkat?”

“…More at Terezi.” Aradia giggled. “It’s true! She took my matesprit away from me.” Nepeta sniffed. “We would have been purrfect together.”

“…Nepeta, it would’ve been bad.” Aradia placed an arm around her. “Do you know what Karkat said to me when I asked him about you?” Nepeta shook her head. Aradia puffed up her chest. “OK, what the fuck, Aradia. She’s a friend. That’s it. End of fucking story. I know she’s so deep in the red it’s practically staring fucking everyone in the face even if she thinks she’s being coy as fuck, but it’s as fucking unrequited as Kanaya’s red fantasies about the Bitch-Queen of the Spiders.”

Nepeta unintentionally let out a little giggle. Aradia’s Karkat had been spot on. But… hearing his words like that… it hurt. He’d told her it was unrequited, that it wouldn’t work in this world, but… the pain shouldn’t have been this bad. It should’ve been bearable.

“I’m sorry,” said Aradia. She hugged the little kitty-girl tightly. “But… Karkat’s words weren’t meant to hurt you. I don’t think he even realized how badly he hurt you.”

“Terezi… She told me to ask him myself…” Nepeta sniffed, blinking back more tears. “Must have been a fucking riot to her, have me shot down and then swoop in and grab him. Fuck, what am I doing crying. Why the fuck am I crying?”

“You’re crying because you’re sad,” said Aradia. “And I think she just wanted you to know. She wanted you to know that Karkat didn’t reciprocate, but she knew you wouldn’t believe her if she told you. Didn’t you tell me once that you knew for a fact that she was harboring red ambitions for him, and that he’d choose you because your passions ran deeper?”

Nepeta nodded. “Sh-should’ve been less p-pushy… less open… more cagey about it…” She sniffed. “Purrhaps I could’ve been in his pawssibilities.” She looked at Aradia, who shook her head. “What do you know? You’re not a shippurr! What would you know about romance?”

“I know enough,” she said, giving Nepeta a platonic little hug. “You’re hurt because he didn’t reciprocate your feelings, but did reciprocate the feelings of someone who, in your eyes, had basically jumped on the Karkat Vantas bandwagon.” The corner of Nepeta’s mouth twitched toward a snarl. “But there’ve been hints about it forever, Nepeta.” The twitch became a full-fledged growl. “I’m serious.” She stood up. “I was going to ask you for advice about what to do with Equius, but you’re being too much of a Miss Grumpyfangs to be helpful.” Nepeta grabbed her sleeve, lightly tugging to bring her back down.

“Equius? Well, he’s a purrty good moirail, even if he does go fur… dramatic meowves.” She grinned. “You’re making him feel conflicted, Arowrdia. On the one hand, I think he still thinks about Mr. Meowkara’s aborted rampage on the meteor, and how he could’ve died. But on the other…” Nepeta sighed. “Equius really likes you. I know he does. But he’s purrtly still stuck in that same old rut. The hemospectrowrm was like a religion to him. Just be purrtient.” Nepeta smiled. “He’ll come around.”

“Thanks,” said Aradia. “So… I guess that leaves you with…”

“Mr. Ampurra’s continued ashen advances at me are creeping me out, and I’m not sure Mr. Meowkara could handle being with anyone other than Mr. Ampurra. But Ms. Meowryam would be good fur me.” She paused. “I hope.”

***

It had been a laugh. Eridan was so much fun as a potential mate. Their conflicts were hilarious, the blackrom they shared even moreso. Two months into their caliginous venture and already Gamzee could tell that this wouldn’t be the end. Not by a long shot. It would keep motherfucking happening, this motherfucking miracle of blackrom spurred by fear. It was beautiful poetry. And when a better match came along, he could just kill Eridan, no problem whatso-fucking-ever.

And Eridan knew it too. He knew it deep in his _motherfucking blood pump._ And in his bile ducts, and especially in his think pan. Gamzee laughed. Blackrom was a joke, the only joke left that was any fun anymore since Karkat had begun picking up the motherfucking slack on his moirail duties. Motherfucker could bitch up a wicked storming clusterfuck of gettin’ reconsider on. And that tended to suck the fun out of the room.

Currently, Eridan was lying on the other side of the bucket. He looked spent and battered, and his face was bloody. Gamzee laughed. He knew that his face and body were equally bloody. From what Karkat had said, black liaisons weren’t supposed to be this damaging, but… “What the hell. The hemospectrum’s pretty much fucked now that Vantas is one of what, ten of us? Yeah, troll genetics ain’t surviving that motherfucking fuckover.” He leaned over and gnawed one of Eridan’s horns. “Honk honk, motherfucker.” Looking in the pail, he laughed. Just as he’d thought. The red and black genetic offerings mixed together looked disgusting, almost like curdled blood mixed with the pulp of overripe fruits in a blender on puree. The smell wasn’t much better. Gamzee laughed. This was going to get chucked right on the gardens. Who knew? Maybe the shit would act as fertilizer.

Next door was Karkat’s hive. As he dumped the remains of the daliances, he grinned menacingly at Karkat. “I’m gonna motherfucking spill your motherfucking blood eventually, motherfucker,” he said, his voice a deadly quiet. “Did you motherfucking hear me?!”

“Yeah, yeah, I keep hearing you,” said Karkat. “Eridan still entertaining you?”

“You’ve got no motherfucking idea.” Karkat winced. “So how’s the teal bitch treating you?!” Another wince. Gamzee loved his moirail’s reactions.

“We’re doing fine, jackwagon.” He glared at Gamzee. “Fucking hell, do the two of you rake each other before you get down to it? I mean, I’ve heard of perverse, but — “

“Not. Another! Motherfucking. Word, motherfucker!” Gamzee slapped Karkat. The force was enough to knock a tooth out. “Him and me are chilling the motherfuck out. Working through the blackrom like a motherfucking rocket chair! But then again, this motherfucker might motherfucking crash, you know?” One of Gamzee’s fingers traced the line of Karkat’s jawbone.

Karkat reaffixed his tooth. He looked unnerved. Gamzee began laughing. “Yeah, laugh it up, cake-face.” Karkat’s eyebrows narrowed. “Anyway. I’m not gonna tell you how to run your blackrom. Just remember, if the fights keep escalating, he’s going to wind up dead, and then Fef is gonna have to have you put down. Probably assign Sollux to do it.”

“I’d like to see the motherfuckin’ yellow-blood try the motherfuckin’ try!” Still, there was some doubt in Gamzee’s voice. Sollux had been able to redirect meteors. And he wasn’t like Equius would be — if someone told him to kill Gamzee, the highblood would be dead in an instant. Gamzee growled. He hated Karkat’s logic, almost as much as he hated Equius for having the perfect moirail. But the blue-blood was an unworthy blackrom target. He’d be too acquiescent. Gamzee would have to flip to red. And Gamzee Makara flipped quadrants for nobody.

At least Eridan hated him, if only for being a land-dweller. The Grand Highblood. The last Subjugglator, the Honker of the Vast Honk, the other motherfucking titles he’d never memorized. Had been too whacked out on sopor slime to memorize. He looked at Karkat. He was fairly certain that one of the titles he’d forgotten had to do with mutants. Slayer of the Mutant-Blooded or something. Maybe savior. The laugher began again. Karkat growled warningly. “I swear, I am this close to just dumping you and killing both you and Mr. Sciencey Wandenheimer, but Aradia says I didn’t, so I won’t.”

Gamzee laughed harder. “Motherfuckin can’t!” He smiled at the mutant. His ancestor had probably mated, had probably been able to get away with not altering the hemospectrum. But Karkat’s candy-red blood was going to do worse than just change the hemospectrum. Shit was about to be fucked with on a fundamental level. Perhaps blood would even be brightened. Not that would be weird.

“…Just promise me you won’t kill Eridan,” said his best bud ever. Gamzee nodded. That was apparently good enough for Karkat, who walked over to John’s house.

***

“I cannot believe I’m watching one of your movies and liking it.” Rose was glued to the screen for reasons she couldn’t explain. “I’ve seen the Statue. My elementary school went there on a field trip once. I suspect Mother paid for it.”

“Heh. I dunno, my favorite scene was a few back, with the dancing toaster.”

“Ugh. Only you could enjoy a scene like that.” Still, Rose was smiling. “So why are there only two? I thought Hollywood enjoyed trilogies.” John frowned.

“Mostly it was Bill Murray. He was kinda obstinate about not wanting to do a third one. I wish they had. Could’ve been awesome.” John snuck an arm around her. He’d become better at that, or maybe she was just letting him now. A kiss was still out of the question, no mater how much he wanted one (and, in the past months, he’d come to want one quite a lot), but John could live with that. He’d lived with worse, after all. He’d killed Vriska, hadn’t he?

Rose leaned her head on his shoulder. “After this, you have to watch that movie we discussed.” John sighed. “I’m serious. I know it’s not your kind of thing, but it’d mean a lot to me if you at least gave Dark City a try.”

“All right, fine,” said John, his voice full of mock exasperation. In truth, he didn’t mind Rose’s taste in movies. It was a bit weird, but then again, so was she, and John liked that about her. She was weird, yes, but she was weird and funny and supportive in her own way. She liked to call it being “passive-aggressive”, but John wasn’t sure that was the right way to frame it. After all, she wasn’t really being all that aggressive towards him.

Carefully, John stroked her hair, testing to see if it was a good move. She stiffened for a moment, but when he stopped his hand, she quirked an eyebrow, as if to say “Why did you stop?” John had been proud of how quickly he had picked up on Rose’s little body language quirks. Rose eventually leaned into the hair-stroking hand, turning to look at John slightly. “John… what do you think of me?”

“Well…” John paused. “You’re smart, smarter than I ever was, and you’re a bit dark-minded — but you’re a Derse dreamer, that’s what happens. Your dreams become… upset, I guess. By the Horrorterrors.” He laced his fingers with hers. “And you’re really nice, especially to me and Jade. And I know you like to act like you don’t always mean it, but I think you do.” For a moment, he thought her face was slowly creeping towards his, but he dismissed it as a trick of the light.

“So I’m a kind, smart, funny girl,” said Rose. “Is that it?”

John shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “Well… I’m not sure you’d want me commenting on how you look.”

Rose let out a soft chuckle. “I wouldn’t mind, John. I want to hear _everything_.”

“Well…” John’s eyes were closed, as if remembering an old memory. “Your eyes are the most brilliant shade of violet I’ve ever seen. Your hair is the perfect shade of blonde. Your skin is soft, and smooth, and… and I see you sitting there and I realize that the first time I saw you, you were asleep, and you looked so vulnerable.” His eyes fluttered open for a moment, only to see that her eyes were closed, and she was leaning dangerously close to him. He closed his eyes again. “And you’re warm against me, and so full of life and energy and…” He could feel her breath on his lips, could sense her vulnerability. He leaned forward, just enough so that his lips met hers.

In an instant, she was kissing him, and her arms had wrapped around him. She used her body to push him onto his back, her lying on top of him, one leg intertwining with his below the knee, her dressed hiked up past her knee. She broke the kiss for a moment and smiled at him. “Sweet merciful troll gods, but I love you, Egbert you hopeless romantic.” His arms snaked around her, pulling her tight. “You know, we really should coordinate with the trolls to figure out how long it’ll be until we begin… um…”

John laughed. “We might want to ask Dave and Jade, too. I mean, last I saw, they weren’t exactly… um…” Rose grinned.

“Oh, I sincerely doubt the veracity of the idea that there is no part of Harley’s mind that wants to get into Strider’s pants, and I would be quite willing to bet that Strider is more than willing to oblige those tendencies. It’s just a matter of them figuring out common interests, which I am quite sure they possess. Why else would they have become friends?”

“Point,” said John before kissing her again.

***

“No, it’s called actually enjoying things, Mr. Too Cool for School.” Jade laughed as she wore Dave’s iShades. “Not everything has to be liked ‘ironically’.”

“Says you,” replied Dave. “John honestly likes his shitty movies, you honestly like your stupid kid’s show. I just ironically like things.”

“What about your swords? Are those ironic?”

“What? Fuck you, they’re sharp and they’re pointy and they’re fucking swords.” Dave glared at her. Jade giggled.

“See? So c’mon. I’ve got a movie here that I bet even you would like unironically.”

“Pretty fucking huge bet,” replied Dave, grinning. “But let’s see what this movie — oh god.” Dave couldn’t take his eyes from the case. “How the hell did you know.”

“Easy. Every ‘ironic’ review you gave of this movie rated it as horrible, but all your points were those of someone who really liked it.” Dave cursed inwardly, even if the outside didn’t show it. He should have gone back and rewritten those old reviews. She grinned. “So are we watching it or should I just toss it in the trash?”

“No!” Dave couldn’t help himself; he had grabbed the movie out of her hands. “Um… I mean… Let’s watch it. Maybe you’ll be able to appreciate fine cinema.” The title credits rolled, and the one movie Dave could never diss without being in total sarcasm mode began playing. “But if you tell Egbert that my favorite movie of all time stars Bill Murray, I will kill you. And then I’ll kill myself before he begins ranting about how this movie supposedly blows.”

Jade laughed. “Don’t worry,” she said. “I like _Groundhog Day_ too.”

***

Equius held Aradia close. She was fragile, so incredibly fragile. And she was in a fluctuating red-black state with him, had been in that state for quite some time. He kissed her gently. Her body was unused to the pains of the flesh yet, and although he was being as gentle as he possibly could, he could see the bruises forming on her flesh, could hear her ribs strain as he held her in a hug. It had gotten better, of course, but Equius’s strength would never fully be under his control. He would always be somewhat rough.

He had kept a tight lid on the list of Dooms pronounced by the mustardblood. They were reminders that fate still existed, concrete reminders, unlike the fleeting words of Aradia’s promises about the future. The list was in his desk, but he could still recite it from memory. Fourteen dooms for fourteen survivors. And the two that stood out most were his and Aradia’s.

Equius’s Doom was rather obvious, in retrospect. “Your heart shall bear the cracks you cause in your glass goddess.” It meant Aradia, and it meant that he would hurt her. Equius had almost snapped Sollux in half for suggesting he would deliberately hurt the love of his life, but when he looked at it now, he realized that the harm was only because of his untamable strength. And it tied directly into Aradia’s doom.

“You shall never know a gentle lover’s embrace.” Equius laughed bitterly to himself. If he wanted a reminder that he would never truly be able to control his strength, that was the reminder to end all reminders. He would never be a gentle lover. He would always be rough, even if he tried to avoid it. The cracking of her ribs reminded him of that.

He kissed her. Her lips would bruise, he knew, but it still felt good to kiss his beloved. As he released the kiss, he suppressed a bitter laugh. The swill-blooded humans had come up with the perfect word to describe his feelings toward Aradia; the irony of the perfect noble word coming from the most vulgar filth was as intoxicating as the paradox of power and crudity that rested, even now, within his strong arms.He loved it, and he hated it for making him love it.

Equius’s heart pounded as Aradia’s lips, which must have been in pain, whispered into his ear a few choice words. A lesser blood would be driven into a lustful frenzy at her tone, and even Equius was hard-pressed to keep from ravaging her on the spot. He had to at least put forth an attempt at gentleness. Even if his strength wouldn’t allow it, he would make sure that any harm done to his beautiful Aradia was repaid ten times over out of his flesh. As long as they both lived, he would crack his glass goddess, and she would repair herself while he cracked his stone body in penance.

***

The final days of autumn were a beautiful sight. Feferi had gone for a swim, and even Eridan was swimming in the river. Karkat chuckled slightly as he watched them. Soon there would be heaps of sea dwellers again, probably within seven or eight sweeps, and then the village would expand and expand greatly. Hell, it might even expand into other villages. Probably would. He sighed. They’d get lost in the annals of history as just Ancestors, living on a backwards nowhere planet, caught up in an everloving scheme.

And now things were going rocky with Terezi. Perhaps talking to someone about their romantic lives would cheer him up somewhat.

It was about then that Sollux floated over to him. “Hey, KK,” he said, grinning. The black eyeholes were somewhat creepy, even now. “How’s things with TZ?”

“They could be going better. How’s everything going with Feferi?” Sollux grinned.

“It’s going swimmingly! …well, unless you count my failure to learn how to swim. But other than that, it really is going quite well.” Sollux grinned. “In winter I’m going to give Fef a taste of her own medicine. I’m going to each her the fine city-folk art of ice skating.”

“That was big in your hive stem, wasn’t it?” asked Karkat.

“Most every hive stem, to be honest. You either skated or you got culled, that was how winter worked.”

“Not a lot of room there.” Karkat sighed. This wasn’t doing anything to relieve his frustration. “Ugh… You know what I’d kill for right now?”

“KK, I know you’re GZ’s moirail, but… think of me as your pressure release, OK?” Karkat nodded. “So whaddya need?”

“Either something heavily alcoholic or something to kill.”

“I’m guessing that the game around here wouldn’t do,” said Sollux. Karkat shook his head.

“It’s just… it’s Terezi. I keep being right and she keeps bitching about it.”

“Do you let her try the thing that’s doomed to failure?”

“Yeah, and it always fails. So she’s been accusing me of ‘not putting forth effort’. Can you belive that bullshit? I’m a guy whose effort knows no bounds.”

“I believe that,” said Sollux. He grinned. “So… What happens now?”

“Now,” said Karkat, “I guess I have to go show her that she’s wrong again. Ugh, I swear, being right is practically a fucking full time job.”

“Good luck with that one, KK.” Sollux sighed as his best friend stood up and walked off.

After a few moments, his Matesprit came out of the water and sat next to him. “Hey… Sollux.. got a question for you.”

“Shoot,” said the psychic, looking out at the river with his dead eye-husks.

“So Terezi and I were talking,” said Feferi. Sollux could feel the hairs on his neck standing up. “Apparently Karkat’s been reelly aggressive, shoving her face in everything. And all that stress has made her mess up more lately, which just makes him antagarnize her more. I’m worried their relationship cod be on the rocks.” She glubbed a little more hopelessly than Sollux thought was necessary.

“They just have to realize what they’ve got,” he said, holding her close before giving her cartilage nub — or, to give it its proper, aristocratic term, nose — a small nip. “Besides, I’m sure Karkat will realize what he’s doing wrong before too long.” He kissed one of Feferi’s fins gently. “Hey, FF, how about I teach you ice skating this winter? It’s a time-honored hive stem tradition…”

“Ooh…” The Empress grinned. “That sounds waterfally exciting!” She hugged Sollux. “But what happens if I slip?” Sollux grinned.

“I’ll catch you. My sense of smell is pretty good now. Not at TZ’s level, but…” He laughed. “It’s good enough that I can catch you with my psychic powers.” He ran his fingers through her river-soaked hair. “But enough about that.” His lips caught hers. “Let’s focus on now. Seems like a good idea to me.”

Feferi grinned. “I think that’s a good idea as whale.” She rested her head on his chest. He was warm, and after the cold river, that warmth was all she really needed.


	4. Winter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Winter is a lovely time of year, when the snow is all around and it's cold as fuck so you tend to stay indoors. Such a wonderful season... and the perfect time to get romantic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK, you may have noticed that this chapter came out rather quickly. That's because I've decided I'm going to finish Sixteen so that I have fewer projects I'm working on at once. I have the fifth chapter done, the sixth chapter started, and the ninth is going to get rewritten from memory of what it was like, due to losing the original in a hard drive crash.
> 
> ONWARDS!

“Well, fuck you too!” And, without waiting for further reply, Karkat clomped outside and slammed the door behind him. He sat on the front steps to calm himself. It had been almost half a sweep since he and Terezi had moved in together, since their redrom had begun, and now it was devolving into silly arguments over things like who left the stupid Dave movie in the DVD player and who thought that inviting Egbert and Lalonde over was a good idea when you _knew_ they’d begin snogging in the middle of the movie, Terezi, it’s not like it’s all that hard to guess when the two are so fucking close it’s like they’re joined at the hip and no, I have not been making black advances at Eridan, do you have any fucking idea how creepy he is?

Karkat wadded up a lump of snow and threw it with as much force as he could. It made a less-than-satisfying thud against John’s window; Karkat had been hoping it would actually crash through. That would’ve been good, property damage a la Vantas. At the very least, he would have been able to release his anger. Another wind-up and Karkat had thrown another snowball. This one sailed over to John’s door and hit the human in the face as he was, coincidentally, coming outside to shovel his sidewalk. Karkat sighed as John began walking up to him. He was clean-shaven and had begun smoking a pipe; Karkat wondered if these were habits a father taught his son. “What’s wrong, buddy?”

Karkat growled. He had never liked the truth that he and John had become “Earth Human Buddies” and he still didn’t like being addressed in that manner. “Terezi kicked me out of the hive for a little bit.” He tried to make it sound like nothing and failed spectacularly.

John sat down next to him. Karkat could taste the smoke coming from the depths of the thing. It tasted horrible. “So what are you going to do?” asked John. “I mean, you’ve got to make up with her, haven’t you?”

Karkat looked away. “The problem is I don’t know how to deal with an argument. Not… not when they’re this heated.” John laughed.

“It’s easy. You just have to figure out how to read the situation!” Karkat glared at John what words could not effectively communicate: This was, above and beyond any others, the worst fucking piece of advice he had ever gotten in his life. “Well… I mean…” John was wilting under the glare, as he should. “What are some of the things that you’ve been arguing about?”

“Well, there was the time we invited you and Rose over and it basically turned into snogfest whatever-the-fuck-this-sweep-is.” Karkat’s demeanor got a little more smug. “Like I knew it would. Or the time when Terezi put Dave’s DVD in the DVD player and forgot to remove it. Like I knew she would. Or that whole incident with her roleplaying with Nepeta leading to absolute fucking disaster, like I knew it — “

“I get it, I get it, you’re the freaking master of knowing what would happen.” John looked at Karkat. “And did you rub her face in it?” Karkat arched an eyebrow.

“What do you mean, ‘did I rub her face in it’? Of course I did.” John opened his mouth. “…You’re about to say I shouldn’t have done that, aren’t you?”

“Yup,” said John, somewhat deflated. “Has it ever occurred to you that your ‘I told you so’s are wearing her out? That she’s tired of hearing that, so she’s putting up pre-emptive arguments to keep you from I-told-you-so-ing?”

“But that’s fucking stupid!” John frowned; it was clear he disagreed. “All right, all right. It’s how girls work, I guess.”

“Hey now,” said John. “If I were to rub something you did wrong in your face over and over and over again, you’d hate it.”

“Well, yeah, but that’s because I was a stupid fucking idiot and you don’t have to remind me!” John grinned.

“And Terezi’s thinking something similar to that whenever you launch into one of your ‘I Told You So’ rants!” John grinned. “So… your best bet would be to apologize for being such a crab.”

“…argh.” Karkat glared at him. “I hate that.” John gave him a reproving glare. “All right, fine, fine, I’ll do it. Fucking hell, I never thought I’d be the one _getting_ romantic advice.”

“Heh.” John grinned. “Well, I’ve got a walkway to shovel and a girl to make happy.”

Karkat stood up, turned around, and opened the door before turning back around and shouting “Hey, Egbert!” John turned around. “Experience, I take it?” John nodded. “God. Didn’t realize Rose was wrong so often.”

“You’ve got the roles reversed,” said John, his voice somewhat cheeky as he went back to his own house to shovel snow.

***

Kanaya smiled as she kissed Nepeta’s forehead. The cute kitty-girl was asleep, and apparently content in her dreams. Kanaya laughed. The sight of Nepeta dreaming was usually enough to send her into a fit of giggles and gentle nuzzling. It had been hard getting over the loss of Vriska, but this was making it easier. This matespritship of convenience was something… nice.

A loud shout from her right caused Kanaya to turn her head. Aradia and Equius were apparently horsing around on the river’s frozen surface (here she suppressed a giggle) and she could see them enjoying themselves. She could also see the bruises forming on Aradia’s tender flesh; Equius had probably been trying to be gentle and failed. Kanaya sighed. Equius was getting better control, but no matter how you looked at it, he was still freakishly strong.

She looked further down. Sollux, who had been used to ice and snow, was now trying to teach Feferi how to ice skate. Predictably, it wasn’t going well at all. Kanaya laughed. However graceful the Empress was in swimming, the same couldn’t be said of her skating. She was fairly certain the only reason she hadn’t cut herself on the skates’ blades was because Sollux was still helping her. She would probably be about as mobile on ice on her own as Sollux was in the water without her aid. Kanaya couldn’t help it as the giggles spilled forth.

Nepeta stirred in her lap. As the other girl awakened, she looked up at Kanaya. “Purrrr… good morning, Ms. Meowryam.” She sat up, her lips meeting Kanaya’s. It wasn’t the same sensation Kanaya had longed for for so many sweeps, the caress of Vriska’s fangs lightly pricking her lips like the lightest pins, the taste of blue flushed lips. But Nepeta’s razor fangs pricked in their own interesting way, and her green blood tasted like candy and apples and that strange sugar that John had called caramel.

And even though she doubted Nepeta felt the same rush she did, or even the same intense feeling of “this is right”, she knew the other girl must have felt something, because there was no other explanation for the feelings that welled up inside her. It always took a great deal of self-control not to begin stripping her lover bare when they began to kiss. Kanaya’s affections had been starved for so long that to have them returned, however tepidly, merely awakened a greater hunger.

But she would always pull back before the beast could pull her into a frenzy of passion that would leave her exposed, her carnal desires displayed in front of all. Even in their hive, she had stopped cold, though that had been more out of a lack of certainty than anything to do with Nepeta herself. She had seemed interested, yes, but… would she really be okay with it?

Nepeta obviously sensed something wrong as they broke the kiss. “Kanaya… is there something wrong?” She cuddled close. “We’re matesprits. You should be able to tell me if something’s gone wrong. I know you miss Vwhiskers, but… we have to carry on.” She cuddled up close. The beast stirred in Kanaya again. But she had to keep a tight lid on herself. “C’mon… tell me what’s wrong, please?”

“…Well…” Kanaya sighed as she looked downriver. The hoary hand of winter was exercising his grip even as she could see that beyond the surface, the ice was sinking deeper. “I… I’m just… I mean, I know that we both have our… our anxieties, our… unfulfilled desires.” She looked at her matesprit. “And… mine are… they roar so loudly, desire so strongly to escape…” She looked into Nepeta’s eyes. The golden spheres looked back, full of curiosity. “I’m worried. Not that I might hurt you physically — you’re too strong for that — but that I… I might damage you, mentally or emotionally. That I’m overeager and overreaching and that I have to keep myself in check every day, lest I… lest I do something that I would be ashamed of.”

Nepeta batted at the hem of her dress. “Kanaya…” The other girl suddenly found herself lying in the snow, pinned by the weight of her matesprit. “You want to know what you’ve been doing by keeping this all in? This is what’s been hurting me most! Not what Karkitty and Terezi might be doing, although that hurts too, and often, and not whether Equius might break Aradia, which gets me so furstrated I can’t think straight. It’s you! I may not be the most purrceptive or passionate lover, but…” Nepeta kissed the captive Kanaya a bit harder than usual. “We’re matesprits. And…” Nepeta sniffed. “I know it’s just because of convenience, and there’s purrty much no-one else fur us, but…” Kanaya looked up at her.

“But that doesn’t mean there’s no chance of actual red feelings.”

“Exactly!” Kanaya could see a tear streak down Nepeta’s face. “And… and that means that… even if we’re not exactly… purrfect…” Kanaya felt the pressure on her arms give out as Nepeta collapsed onto her chest, hugging and sobbing. Kanaya looked at her.

Kanaya did the only thing she could think of, and wrapped Nepeta in an embrace. “Nepeta… I’ll always be here for you. Always.”

The two stayed like that for a long while, and it was almost wonderful… until Eridan had chanced by. “What’s that Dawe’s always sayin’? Oh yeah. Sad girls in snow. Gotta ask him about that sometime.” Kanaya and Nepeta glared at him.

As soon as he was out of earshot, Nepeta said, “Well, at least neither of us has to worry about Gamzee going black for us.” The two of them giggled.

***

“Oh fuck,” muttered Dave. He had been sitting in the living room chatting with Terezi and Karkat when he’d heard the crash of a teapot falling and shattering. “I am not fucking cleaning that up, Jade!” he shouted. She giggled as she walked into the room with the spare.

“No, future you from about an hour after Karkat and Terezi leave is. And he’s heading back once we’ve drank all the tea.” Dave still couldn’t quite believe that, in the middle of all this winter, he was hosting a goddamn tea party. That his future self was complicit in making sure there was no permanent damage, he had no doubt. Jade could’ve cleaned it up in a flash, but no, he had to be Mr. Helpful.

“Heeheehee.” Terezi grinned. “Mr. Helpful! Unlike Karkat, ol’ Mr. Grumpbritches that he is.” Karkat’s response was a raspberry. She laughed as she turned to face Dave. “Thanks again for inviting us over.” Dave caught a glimpse of himself giving a thumbs up. Dave rolled his eyes and thumbs-upped back. Other Dave grabbed the teapot and disappeared, and Dave could see that his collar was slightly rumpled. Was that really an hour after these two douchebags had left? Or was it from even further ahead? How in the hell was he going to get a collar that looked like he and Jade had just —

Karkat had grabbed him by the collar and jerked him up. Oh. “Hey, fuckass, pay attention when I’m fucking talking to you!”

“Yeah, because that’s going to make me want to so badly.” Dave rolled his eyes again. Jade could tell when he was doing it, but Karkat hadn’t lived with Dave for long enough to tell when he was rolling his eyes behind his glasses.

“All right, all right.” Karkat released him. Dave straightened his collar. “I assume time shenanigans were going on?”

“Yeah. Apparently about an hour from when you two leave I’m gonna come back with a rumpled collar that looks like I just threw my shirt back on and I’m gonna be cleaning the shit outta the broken teapot, and then I’m gonna give myself a thumbs up like the biggest tool in the world.” He glared at the remains. “And I know for a fact that it was an hour because I told Jade. Ugh, hate that bullshit. An hour? How many loops did I go through?!” He glared at the teapot, picking up his cup and taking a sip. “Yeah, this isn’t hour tea. This is like three hour tea.”

“So you lied to me?” asked Jade. Her voice sounded hurt.

“Hey, that is not necessarily what happened here. Time loops could’ve happened. Single-hour time loops. And if we see a Davesplosion when Karkat and Terezi leave, we’ll know I’m right.” Dave put a hand on hers. “It does _not_ mean that I fucking lied to you. I’m better than that, I promise.” He turned to Terezi. “So. The comic project you were talking about. Totally down with it. After all, the nerds of the future gotta have comics to talk about.”

“Heeheehee.” Terezi turned to Karkat. “And besides, Karkles is a bit of an artist himself!”

“…No he’s not. And even if he is one, he’s shittier than my most ironic bullshit ever.” Dave flipped out his iPhone and handed it to her. “See? This is the bullshit he drew for us when he was explaining his ‘no sloppy alien makeouts or I swear I’ll cut you’ views.”

“Are you sure he drew this?” Terezi pulled something from her sylladex. “Because that doesn’t look at all like the picture he drew me.” She handed Dave a rolled up sheet of paper. Dave carefully unrolled it.

“…Holy fuck,” he muttered. “It’s like I’m looking at something that belongs in a goddamn museum. You are making me fucking weep, this thing is so unshitty. Seriously, it’s like god fucking damn.” Dave handed it to Jade. “This is a thing of unmitigated beauty, is it not?”

“It’s actually pretty good!” Jade’s voice was shocked as well. “I can’t believe it! Karkat, you can draw!”

“Of course I can fucking draw. Any wriggler worth half a shit can draw. That’s actually one of my better ones.” Karkat smiled. “And thank you.”

“Can we keep it?” asked Jade. “I mean, I’d love to see it framed above the fireplace.”

“Sure!” said Terezi. “Just remember to let Karkles sign it!” She and Jade giggled.

***

As soon as the two had left, Dave went over to the backup teapot, which was wasting away in the cupboard. “…Fuck. I guess I lied to you. I’m sorry, Ja-” He didn’t get much further before she began kissing him.

“Five hours,” she said, as soon as their lips had separated. “You told me to lie and say one. And you told me we’d have some alone time while the tea steeped.” She unbuttoned his shirt as the teapot teleported into the sink. “Hee hee hee.”

***

John smiled as Rose breathed quietly into his chest. She felt good next to him on this cold winter’s day. And so did the covers over them. He smiled at her. It was hard to believe that she was fifteen now, even if they’d all technically had the same birthday. Initially, at least. And even if a year was longer here, so she was technically older than that. But that line of thought was confusing to dwell on, so John just left it alone. He just pressed her nude form against his, holding her close.

His serious business goggles flashed, and he looked at their display. It was one of the trolls. He wondered why they were calling him so early in the morning.

 **  
_arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling  ectoBiologist [EB] (08:30)_   
AC: :33 > john!  
AC: :33 > i hope i’m not interrupting anything :((   
EB: um…  
EB: not right now, not especially…  
EB: but i’m in a bit of an awkward situation!   
AC: :(( > rose being purrsnickety?   
EB: not really.  
EB: she’s kind of asleep right now.  
EB: and i’m, um, next to her.   
AC: :33 > oh, i s33…  
AC: :33 > cuddling a naked rose? X33   
EB: um, kinda?  
EB: it’s kinda embarrassing…  
EB: i mean, you’re a troll and i’m talking with you in bed.  
EB: and i’m not exactly, um…   
AC: X33 > h33h33h33!  
AC: X33 > your secret is safe with me, fur sure!  
AC: :33 > plus, i think it’s cute! <3   
EB: it is, kinda, but it’s embarrassing.  
EB: i mean, you’re a girl!  
EB: and so it’s kinda awkward ‘cuz i’m a guy and i’m, um, naked.   
AC: X33 > h33h33!  
AC: X33 > john, relax!  
AC: :33 > anyway, i actually have something serious to ask.  
AC: :(( > kanaya has been purrty sad lately, i think it’s because it would be vwhiskers’ wriggling day if she were alive.  
AC: :(( > it’s making me sad and i want to ch33r her up, but i don’t know how.   
EB: hmmm…  
EB: do you cuddle her?  
EB: i mean, when rose is feeling down i cuddle her and we snuggle and she feels better!   
AC: :(( > i try, but she purrshes me away!  
AC: :(( > any other ideas, john?   
EB: hmm…  
EB: what’s her favorite meal?  
EB: maybe you could try making that!   
AC: :33 > well, i am a furly good cook!  
AC: :33 > i think i’ll try that!  
AC: :33 > thanks john!   
EB: no problem!  
EB: i think i’m going to snuggle rose some more now, ok?   
AC: :33 > ok, thanks john!  
AC: :33 > bye!   
EB: later!   
_ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering  arsenicCatnip [AC] (08:55)_   
**

John cuddled Rose tight and kissed her nose. “Mmm… Rose? Honey?”

“Mmmlwmml…fffuuuu… mmm?” John giggled a little at her sleepy response, nuzzling close.

“Sweetie… Ro~se…” He nudged her, and slowly her violet eyes fluttered open.

“Mmm… whutimezit?” Rose yawned and stretched slightly, turning her head to look at the clock on her bedside table. “…heh… John, it’s nine AM. We c’n sleep in still…” John smiled at her.

“I was just thinking you might like to help me make breakfast?” Rose chuckled and kissed his neck.

“I suppose I could. It sounds like it’d wake me up, at least.” As she got out of bed, John admired the view as she put on her bathrobe. “John, I’m not good enough at making breakfast to make it alone. I’m going to need your help.” John laughed a little and got out of bed, putting on his bathrobe and slippers, and slipping the pipe in his mouth. Rose giggled. “You know, that pipe makes you… unbelievably sexy.”

John smiled. “Thanks, Rose. So… breakfast?”

“Cold winter morning, hot breakfast made by smoking husband. I think I can live with that.” John blushed.

“W-well… I get an unbelievably wonderful w-wife making me breakfast… so… um…” He kissed her.

She laughed. “Oh, John.” She hugged him close. “Thanks for going along with it even though we aren’t technically…” The absence of a ring on her left hand never felt more heavy. “So… Let’s go make breakfast.” As they walked to the kitchen, John smiled. He knew, deep down, that the winter would pass uneventfully. And that was OK with him.


	5. Shipping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> <3  
> <3<  
> c3<  
> <>

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nepeta pretty much has to have a shipping wall. That's how these things work! :O

Nepeta had already begun drawing up her shipping wall. Her symbols had changed slightly to accommodate the fact that it was no longer the four basic troll relationships, but instead three and one. She had combined both of the concupiscent relations into one quadrant and given human concupiscence its own quadrant to replace the gap left by the unification of Kismesissitude and Matespritship. She looked at her chart. Auspisticism, Moiraillegiance, Troll Concupiscence, and Human Concupiscence. She looked through the deck of cards that Jade had given her. Perhaps she could find inspiration there.

The first card she drew had a picture of two crossed wands on it, like a Wizard’s Duel. She scratched her head a little and looked over her chart. The stick looked like it could be used to drub sense into someone, which meant that it would probably be best suited to symbolize Auspisticism. She wrote down “Wands” underneath that quadrant’s heading on her wall.

The next card she drew had three little circles on it, which looked something like Troll Caegars only with little human heads on them. She figured these were coins. Another frown came over her face. Coins didn’t really fit in with any of the troll relationships. She shoved it in Human Concupiscence and made a mental note to ask Rose about humans and money in their matespritships.

The third card she drew had an astounding five swords crossed on it. This one, at least, was straightforward. She placed it under Troll Concupiscence. After all, swords were capable of drawing blood, deadly in the wrong hands, and useful mainly for one purpose. The metaphor worked rather well, she thought.

That left the fourth suit. Jade had told her there were four suits and a bunch of extra cards. She flipped over two old men, a lady holding the moon, a chariot, and a few more cards of the other suits before finally she came across the final suit: Two cups. She grinned. It was perfect! The cup was placed in the Moiraillegiance spot. She giggled to herself as she briefly pondered switching swords and cups for the wordplay of concupiscent, but decided against it at the last minute.

After all, the sword was just too good to move from there. And the cup… Well, OK, maybe it wasn’t as perfect as she’d initially thought, but it was still pretty good. Although if she swapped cups and coins… One could say that coins, as currency, were used to help keep society running smoothly. Like Moirails. And then the conCUPiscence pun could be used. She swapped the Coins and Cups.

She grinned as she began painting miniature pictures. These would turn out wonderfully. Now all she needed to do was figure out which pairings were going on in the non-concupiscent sectors.

***

 **Coins — Moirails**

 _Karkat <> Gamzee_

Karkat glared at his Moirail, seeing the violet blood on his face. “Gamzee, you can’t be fucking serious.” Karkat rubbed his temples. “It is not possible for you to be serious because that would mean you had fucking snapped _further_.” He cleared his throat. “And that would mean you would have looped back to stoned.”

“I’m serious, motherfucker. I’m gonna try being motherfucking red with him! I figure. It oughta be a motherfucking hoot!” Gamzee laughed. “Especially since he’s not expecting it. So much fun!” Karkat growled.

“No. This is exactly what moirallegiance is for. You are not pulling that bullshit on Eridan or I _will_ kick your ass up and down the road until my foot is fucking broken. And then I’ll just have Sollux do the kicking psychically.” Gamzee glared.

“You wouldn’t. You motherfucking wouldn’t!”

“I would, fuckass.” Karkat glared at him. “So calm the fuck down and keep up the romance the way it is or I swear to god you’re going to be in deeper shit than Vriska was when John found out she’d offed Tavros.”

Gamzee stood pondering for a moment. “Fine,” he said. “No hurries here! Just two bros chilling the motherfuck out. Right?!” Karkat rolled his eyes. “I said. Am I motherfucking right motherfucker?!”

“Yes, fine, you’re right.” Karkat turned his attention to the idiotic fence Egbert had put around every hive. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m trying to paint a fence. And Gamzee… well, you know what to do.”

“Fuck yeah. I’m gonna go give Eridan a bitchslap all upside the motherfucking head!”

 _Eridan <> Jade_

“I’m fuckin serious, Harley.” Eridan was pacing her living room. “I mean, if Gam does this fuckin thing one more fuckin time, I’m gonna just outright snap.” He lay back on the couch, Jade sitting next to him. “You know, I newer thought a you humans as lucky before. But… You don’t hawe ta worry about if your partner’s a fuckin psychopath.”

“Well, we would have, back when Earth was still around,” said Jade. “Anyway, Eridan. Do you really think it would be a good idea to take on Gamzee, even if your wand were still working?”

“…Well, he’d be out a my horns…” Jade disapprovingly flicked his nose.

“No. Bad Eridan. Just because he’s a scary clown is no reason to want to kill him. And besides, you both know that you need to contribute to the mother grub thingy when you get old enough.” Eridan sighed.

“I just… ugh… I feel so fuckin scared a him! I feel like a fuckin coward! And I know what you’re gonna say, and I am!”

“Eridan, shut the fuck up!” Jade slapped him. He blinked as she withdrew her hand. “OK, look. It’s not cowardly to be afraid of Gamzee!” Jade glared at him. “As a matter of fact, I’m scared of him too, most of the time. And I’m sure he terrifies Karkat, and Karkat’s his moirail!”

“Wait. You really think fuckin Kar’s scared a him? Why? A all the people in the whole fuckin willage Kar’s got the least to be scared a!”

“Maybe,” said Jade, “but the fact remains, nonetheless, that Karkat’s probably scared of him. Probably the whole ‘aborted murder spree’ thing.” Eridan sighed. “But this isn’t really about Gamzee, is it? Gamzee isn’t the root of your frustration. You have someone else who’s bugging you.”

“…Fef.”

“Knew it,” said Jade. “Let me guess. You think there’s a possibility for a chain reaction if you split with Gamzee.”

“Well, yeah. I mean, it’s common fuckin knowledge that Ar still has the fuckin hots for Sol, and if Gam hooked up with Eq, then i’d be free for Fef.” Eridan sighed. “Except she doesn’t ewen fuckin hate me, so what’s the point?”

“The point is that you recognize that you two aren’t a good match.” She paused. “Well, at least, you recognize it now.” Jade grinned and hugged him. “So… If you think about it, Mr. Wawy-Horns, it’s a temporary situation that’s for the best. And then, when you and he get older, and there are other trolls who might be better equipped to handle him. And who might like you.” She grinned at him. “So it’s just a temporary solution. A necessary one, but…” Eridan nodded.

“Well… thanks, Jade.” Eridan sighed. “Well, time to go back to the grind. You know, you make a better moirail than Fef did. Probably cuz I don’t wanna sleep with you.” Eridan got up off the couch. He looked at the clock and blanched. “How the fuck did we get talkin for four hours?”

“We just did,” said Jade, grinning. “Now go on, git. Gamzee’s probably wondering where you are.”

***

 **Wands — Auspistices**

 _Rose c3 < (Sollux, Eridan)_

“I know he’s making you angry, Sollux. That’s still no excuse for harboring black feelings for him in the wake of Feferi’s decisions. You’re not going to make things easier on yourself, and will, in fact, probably make things worse.” Rose sighed as she looked over her schedule for the day. She was secretly glad for the opportunity to study troll psychology, even if it did turn out mostly to be listening to a teenager-analogue spilling his deepest darkest feelings (which were about as shallow as her wizard fanfiction and about as dark as… well, there she admitted there was some actual material.)

“Duh, RS. That’s why I asked if you’d mind auspisticizing, since you’re obviously good at this shit.” He leaned back. “Plus, I know he’s got some sort of feelings towards you he can’t work out.” He glanced over at Fef, who was busy baking in the kitchen and being, as usual, an absolute klutz at it. Royalty probably shouldn’t be let near cooking equipment, but Sollux wasn’t about to argue with her desire to bake her a Wriggling Day cake.

“And there’s the fact that having humans fill two of his… quadrants?” Sollux nodded. “I think that proves the flexibility of humans in this society.” She frowned. “Still, I’m not sure Nepeta’s romantic wall makes much sense to me.”

“You mean her shipping wall?” Sollux grinned. “Ehehe, it’s not so bad. NP knows that certain things are happening, and she likes being on top of this sort of stuff.” He giggled a little. “Stuff. Ssssstuff. I still think it’s hilarious that I can talk like this.”

“Without your previously customary lisp?” Sollux nodded. Rose laughed. “I see. Well, I believe I’ve done all I need to on this end, although if you begin to feel the caliginous urges uprising I’m going to need you to contact me as soon as possible.” Rose stood up and walked out the door. Sollux laughed a little into the pillow after she left. Feferi walked into the room.

“You don’t really have secret caliginous desires for Eridan, do you?” she asked, quite confused.

“No, but it’s funny to have him think so, and I have to keep Rose convinced or she’ll stop ‘auspisticizing’.”

 _Sollux c3 < (Nepeta, Terezi)_

“I still don’t get why you’re making _me_ do this,” muttered Sollux as he settled into a chair with Terezi. “I mean, couldn’t RS better mediate between you and NP?”

“Rose isn’t going to mediate between us. You owe me for teaching you smellsight. So you’re going to be our auspistice. Even if the blackrom would be laughably one-sided if it happened.” Sollux smirked.

“I get it, TZ, I get it. Sorta like Eridan and me. But I know it’s a bit more real than that. I know you’ve got some anger floating around in there, let’s bring that out so we can grease whatever wheels need it.”

“…You use a lot of ‘S’es now that you don’t have your lisp.” Terezi cackled, and Sollux just kept up his blank stare. “Oh fine. I… I can’t help but feel like she’s… well, like she’s trying to subtly break up me and Karkat sometimes. I know, I know she’s about as subtle as a runaway freight-hauling track-bound vehicular conveyance, but I still lose some sleep over it.”

“I take it KK’s angry self-righteous bout didn’t help.” Sollux sighed. “Look. NP’s not gonna break up you and KK, although she can definitely be subtle with some stuff. Mostly physical movement.” He cleared his throat. “Anyway. She’s still got that burning hatred of you, but she also wants KK to be happy, and she knows that if you and him broke up, he’d be unhappy because, well, KK’s all about making sure we keep outnumbering the humans, even though we only have one mating season a solar sweep due to how often Kan’s mother grub can supposedly lay.”

“And humans can do it whenever,” muttered Terezi. “So… it’s stupid of me to think that Nepeta is trying to break me out of my relationship with Karkat?” Sollux nodded.

“Well, for now at least. Sometime in the future? Who knows. But right now she just wants to help KK’s goals get accomplished.” He grinned. “Now then, I have to talk with NP about this same thing.”

Nepeta was, of course, quite willing to yak his ear off. “And so then she said that he was calling her wrong all the time! I mean, how can that be good for the state of a relationship? It’s not! It’s bad and wrong and it makes everything worse!” Sollux couldn’t get a word in edgewise. He sighed. It was tough, being an auspistice in a two-sided relationship. It was tough, and no-one understood.

Well, maybe Rose.

 _Rose c3 < (Eridan, Nepeta)_

Eridan growled as Rose tapped her notepad. “Can’t we fuckin talk about Captor some more? I mean, fuckin hell…”

“No,” said Rose. “Your situation makes red infidelity more precarious. We need to discuss it.”

“This is so totally _not_ a proper use a auspisticizin. Auspistices don’t hawe to worry about their fuckin charges goin all red.” Rose clicked her pen.

“And yet Feferi and I are both worried that your statements to Karkat, regarding an attraction to Ms. Nepeta Leijon, amount to a high risk of red infidelity — a risk that Ms. Leijon seems to share in some small amount, which is causing no small amount of consternation to her matesprit-slash-kismesis, my good friend Ms. Kanaya Maryam.” Rose cleared her throat. “Now then. I will ask you again, and this time you’ll answer. How long. Have you had. These feelings. Towards her?”

“I dunno, fuck, sweep and a half? Maybe more? I know Kar says I kept thinkin a her as the shipper kitty girl but it was more than that!” He sighed. “I mean… I’m gonna be honest. I kinda want to find a planet with just her and…” He sighed. “I mean, what I feel for her is more real than what I got for Gamz. But Gamz is the only one I can be with if Kan’s gonna be fuckin OK what with her crazy woman fetish.” He glared at Rose. “I know you’d be one a her girlcrushes if humans and trolls weren’t… you know.”

“We’re not focusing on Kanaya right now,” said Rose coolly. “Although your reasons for restraint are rather… noble, one can’t ignore that the fact that you _will_ have to restrain the completely natural urge to have multiple partners. And besides, isn’t Nepeta also in an ashen relationship with Terezi over her deep red crush on Karkat?”

“Ugh…” Eridan headdesked. “Fuckin Gamzee and the fuckin romantic expectations a the fuckin group.” He glanced at Rose. “Any idea what’d happen if I murdered Gamz before matin season?”

“You would likely be shunned by the group.” Eridan sighed. “I imagine eventually you will have the chance to separate from Gamzee. It just may take a few years.”

“By which point I’ll be a fuckin piñata.” Eridan sniffed and stood up. “Thanks, Rose. You can fuckin go now, I gotta think.” Rose sighed. As she stood to leave, she placed a hand on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry, Eridan. I really am.”

***

 **Swords — Troll Concupiscence**

 _Nepeta <3< <3 Kanaya_

Kanaya giggled as her girlfriend (she liked the human term) held her tight. Their forays into the complex natures of red and black combined genetic materializing were finally paying off. It would still be two new sweeps before the first mating season, but it would be worth it. Even if she was now a svelte young maid of fourteen (she irritably repressed the part of her brain that shouted “Old maid, old maid!”).

Nepeta, meanwhile, was busy snuggling close with her swordmate (she preferred to make her own terminology). Some things, like the heat of the troll girl next to her, felt quite good. Especially in the dead of winter, when Sollux couldn’t always get there until mid-afternoon, leaving Nepeta and Kanaya with a morning all to themselves. “Say, Kanaya…”

“Yeah?”

Nepeta batted her eyes playfully at the other girl. “John’s offurred to teach me some more cooking stuff. I thought maybe you’d like to come along and maybe you could sew with Rose or something?” Kanaya grinned.

“So while you two cook, we two make clothes, hm?” The slightly chiding note in her voice faded almost instantly. “I think I’d like that very much, love.” Kanaya wrapped her arms around Nepeta and, without much thought, scooped her in an embrace. The two of them shared a brief kiss before Kanaya continued, “So have you read the novel I gave you?”

“What, Daybreak? I’m not sure I quite get why you liked it so much, apurrt from the rainbow drinkers…” Kanaya rolled her eyes.

“You’ll probably never understand rainbow drinker romances, then.” Kanaya sighed and held Nepeta close. “Then again, perhaps before Sollux comes over, you and I could play rainbow drinker?” Nepeta giggled.

“OK. But this time I’m the rainbow drinker, purrecious!”

 _Equius <3< <3 Aradia_

Equius could see her, tending to the bruises with ointment. He was fairly certain she had cracked a rib and dislocated a knee, but if that was the case she wasn’t letting any sign of it show. There she was, standing perfect in his eyes, and here he was, dripping sweat after he’d harmed her again. He had to fight something. He had to go get himself punished.

Aradia watched as Equius left the hive again. She put on a simple black t-shirt. He never meant to harm her, that much she knew, even as she moved her dislocated arm back into place with a painful pop. Even at his most passionate, he treated her like a delicate idol. As if he were afraid (and, admittedly, legitimately so) that he might shatter her with one wrong move.

She looked into the mirror. The rib he had cracked three sessions ago had been joined another two veterans of Equius’s lovemaking this session, and she could feel the bruises forming all over her body. Back when she had been a robot, this had been easier. Then again, back then, everything had been easier.

She looked out the window. Fitting that this cold spring day would be raining. It matched the sadness she felt at Equius’s constant taking of responsibility over what his uncontrollable strength did to her. It wasn’t his fault he was hatched so strong. It was nobody’s fault. And Aradia wished he would accept it. Good would come of it, she was sure.

But for now, she would sit, and wait, and when he came back she would comfort him with a hug, a shoulder massage, and a nice hot dinner. Yes. Hot dinner would be excellent on a rainy day like today.

***

 **Cups — Human Romance**

 _Jade <3 Dave_

Dave arched an eyebrow at Eridan as he raided the fridge. “Hey, finboy. How go the feelings jams?”

“Eh, pretty borin but i’ll surwiwe.” Eridan grabbed a Tab (Dave swore there were more of those every single day) and downed the whole can in a single pull. “Plus I mean it’s not like I was sayin anythin too crazy a me.” Dave laughed a little. “Oh sure, laugh it up, fourteen-sweeper. At least I’ll liwe longer than you will.”

“Nah, bro. Knight of Time. I am the master of the stuff. My life is as extended as I want it to be.” Dave grinned. “Anyway. Glad she’s able to help you out with your whole needing more ale thing.”

“It’s pronounced _moirail_ you ignorant shit.” Eridan rolled his eyes. “Anyway I guess congrats on bangin her or whatewer term you humans use for your weird sexual intercourse.” Dave laughed a little. “So what fuckin interests do you ewen share?”

“Music. A few movies that I have enlightened her about. Some of the better video games.” Dave paused. “Also Mad Snacks Yo, but that’s a bit of a special case.” He grinned. “Plus she’s kind of a mad scientist, which is pretty cool in a geeky-nerdy sort of way. I mean, she plays with the boundaries of science and goes all batshit insane. What’s not to love?” Dave grinned as he leaned back. “Besides, she’s just got like the _perfect_ looks and she’s so goddamn… hoo mama.” Dave looked over at Eridan, who was making a disgusted face. “Hey. I get this sort of crap from Rez about Karkat, you can get this sort of crap from me about Jade.” Eridan’s face hit the coffee table.

“But I already get that fuckin shit from _her_ about _you_! Coddammit, why does my moirail hawe to be in lowe with this douchebag?” He glared at Dave. “And don’t fuckin tell me that it’s my destiny. I’m the Prince a fuckin Hope. My destiny is whatewer I say it is.” He stood up. “And I say it means I’m gonna beat you in this Mad Snacks Yo thing. So put the fuckin game in and let the beatin commence!”

 _John <3 Rose_

“It must be excruciating to have invited me over simply for the purpose of this recreation,” muttered Equius, sipping coffee from an iron mug. “Although I appreciate the forethought that went into the crafting of this unusual drinking vessel.” John grinned.

“No problem, Equius. I figure since we’re neighbors, we ought to get to know each other better. I mean, that’s what neighbors do, right?”

“I suppose.” Equius set the mug down. “I must inquire, though, as to why your only garment appears to be that ankle-length blue robe.” He gave John an appraising look. “And possibly some form of undergarment.”

“Well, obviously I’m wearing boxers,” said John. “But… I guess it’s because Rose and I were up kinda late last night, watching movies and stuff, and then it kinda… went on from there.” John was a slightly deeper shade of pink than usual for a human. Equius took it to mean he was blushing. “And, well, I remembered about an hour ago that you were supposed to be over, and I still had to brew the coffee and make the mug and…” John shrugged. “I just barely had time to shower before you got here.”

“Which explains the wet hair,” said Equius absent-mindedly. “I take it, then, that the Rose Human is — “

“In the shower. She’s actually got a kind of busy day ahead of her. I mean, what with Sollux and Eridan, and then she’s going to try teaching Kanaya how to knit again — I think she just likes having the excuse to let Nepeta play with yarn balls, to be honest — and then it’s her auspisticizing duty with… oh, who was it…”

“Myself and Eridan,” said Equius. “Not because I feel we deserve a caliginous relationship — I would not chance to pry the highblood away from his affections — but because I have such grating fury towards the sea-dweller.” John nodded.

“And then we’re going to have a big dinner with the whole town, so I’m going to have to get started on the cooking sometime soon.” Equius nodded, looking at John.

“I must ask,” said the troll, after a few moments of silence, “how you can manage to be so busy during the day and yet have time for… certain recreational pursuits.”

“We make time. Sort of like you do with Aradia.” John clapped him on the shoulder. “After all, you and I both, I think, realize the biggest truth about relationships.” Equius looked over at his house.

“Yes.” He smiled, watching Aradia disappear for a moment and return as the house seemed to clean itself. “It’s all about how much work you put into it.” Equius stood and emptied the mug. “I thank you again, John, for the coffee. I believe, however, I shall leave the mug with you… for the next time I visit.” John smiled.

“You’re welcome back any time, pal.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a side note, I wanted to get this chapter out sooner. I find the John-Equius dialogue at the end very <3 and I have discovered a pair of unlikely friends who I think could actually work. :3 Only reason I didn't get it out sooner is because Chapter 6 took so long to write. Why is it that I can write romantic bullcrap in a heartbeat but it takes forever on other things?


	6. Exploration

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The search for the Frog Temple is on, and nobody can beat Aradia Jones in a search-off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took a while to write. And, in addition, I have a friend who'll be providing images for it eventually, though it may take a while. But when they're done, you can bet I'll be posting links to the images.

Aradia loved the feel of the jungle underfoot, the slash of the machete as it cut through the thick ropy vines and the thin but sturdy bamboo. It was so delightful compared to the rest of the world, at least the bits she’d seen so far. The jungles felt more natural compared to the cold forests of the northern river, even if they were harder to move through. And surely… well, surely she would find out whether or not there was a frog temple on this planet. Secretly, she hoped there was. It would be nice, after all, to know that they hadn’t damaged the universe creation engine so badly that it had stopped altogether.

She had found possible evidence that a frog temple might exist on this planet, as well as signs that there had once been indigenous sapient life. Cuneiform records in a language she couldn’t decipher, bones of natives with weaponry remains in them, even a village of sorts that appeared to have been met by disease or something similar. She wondered what had killed them off so suddenly, and she held the machete tighter in her hand. True, it wasn’t a very effective weapon, but it would do in this jungle. For now. So long as she didn’t run across any large beasts.

Next time, she was borrowing Eridan’s rifle.

***

It had been eight days since she’d entered the jungle, and it had finally given way to plains. Jade and Kanaya had made an appearifier/sendificator combination so that she and Equius could exchange letters; Jade’s fancy computer glasses came in handy for making sure the device was on target. Theoretically, Aradia could have done this all in the space of a minute. In fact, she knew for a fact she could.

But that was the _wrong_ way to explore a planet. It wasn’t any fun if you didn’t at least try to rough it, make it on your own. Besides, she loved the sight of the stars overhead, the beautiful glittering dots Jade had made in the sky after they’d defeated Noir. Her sketchbook contained several details about ruins she’d found. There had been a great ceremonial temple in the jungle, overgrown with vegetation, that was at least a few thousand years old.

She had always suspected that they weren’t the first ones on the planet, despite the apparent speed they’d found it with. She imagined that time had passed without her bothering to notice, or that merely by approaching the planet time had leapt forward, or something like that. She was, admittedly, distracted by the fact that Equius and Sollux were alive and well, and by Dave’s incredible grub-like cuteness. Even though he had no horns (and just where, she wondered, was he sensitive if not his horns?) he was still quite the charmer.

That temple on the Jungle’s edge had clinched her beliefs. Nothing like that could arise spontaneously… and neither could the deep green-black stains that appeared to be caked-on blood. The tools she had found in there surprised her. They appeared to be instrumental tools for ritual sacrifice. She could see a great empire using them in religious ceremonies, much like the Subjugglators of ancient Alternia had used clubs.

She had taken one into her sylladex, a stone club with obsidian spikes in it. There had been evidence of a dead volcano nearby, and she had made sure to find it before leaving the jungle, in case it was the site of the Frog Temple. It hadn’t been, but it was still a useful note to make. There was, apparently, a shield volcano in the continent’s interior. She wondered if they were rare. She had decided they probably were.

The plain she had exited onto seemed to be similar to the steppes of Alternia she had grown up on. There was a familiar wind that blew. The beasts she saw were familiar, even though they were radically different from Alternian wildlife. There was an air of homecoming attached to this place. She walked through the plains, marveling at the beauty of the setting sun. The clouds made the sunset and triple moonrise the most beautiful sight she’d seen on this brave new world. She took out her pen and paper and began writing.

“Dear Equius,  
I’m finally out of the jungle and onto a broad plain. I have a feeling a desert may eventually be coming — these transitional environments often herald them — but for now I’m content to lie back on the grass and stare up at the three moons. Vyrosk is almost full, complementing Meghad’s brilliant full shine. Ygebat is half-full, and it seems so close I could touch it. It’s a beautiful night, and I wish you were here, though I know that you’re not one for adventuring. One day, I’ll drag you off to these plains and we’ll watch the sunset and moonrise together, and sleep under the stars.  
And on the subject of the moons, I’m still somewhat flattered and somewhat shocked that you named the moons after me, John, and Vriska. I know we three went god-tier, but really, did you have to immortalize all three of us with moons?  
Anyway, I miss you dearly, and hope that you can cope with my absence. All my love,  
Aradia”

The letter was placed next to her. She lay down on the cold, hard ground and quickly fell asleep. The silent disappearance of the letter next to her signaled the end of the day back home.

***

Aradia wasn’t sure why she’d stopped in the ruined city. Grasses had crept through the buildings, and the great domed citadel was close to collapsing in on itself. And yet, she had to look at it. She had to find out more of the history of the world. Strangely-lettered tablets littered her sylladex, as did large quantities of gems and precious metals. The strange carved idols made up a third group of items stored in her Sylladex, and she was thankful that she could group things together. The wallet modus was really quite perfect for carrying all these artifacts, and she was glad she’d been able to find it again.

A letter appearified next to her, drawn on, as usual, a large sheet of paper. Aradia liked to imagine that Equius wrote his letters at an easel, with a brush instead of a pen. After all, with his strength, a pen would tear right through paper. A brush, on the other hand, would be hard-pressed to do so even with someone as strong as Equius.

“My E%quisite Aradia,  
I write this upon the fourteenth day of your absence, and presume it to be delivered upon the selfsame day. It is e%cruciating trying to bear the pain of your departure, but the nature of your abso100tley important quest is so e%traordinarily important that I can scarce try to keep you with me, lest I find that we have, in error, cracked the apparatus by which the universe creates itself anew.  
I have heeded your suggestions that I be less a100f, and have taken it upon myself to e%change greetings with John every so often. He is as e%citable as our esteemed Empress, and I have noticed a propensity for tomf001ery similar to a benign version of the Highb100d’s anti%, or the a%ions he undertook while his b100d was upset through the presence of the to%ins within sopor slime.  
As for Rose, she has welcomed me into her home as best she can. This a%ually helps with my ashen counseling sessions. Her house is pleasant, and unlike our hive, which I regret to inform you is falling prey to dust, her house is clean. I sh001d attempt to clean, but the apparatus are all too weak for my STRONG nature.  
I am strangely e%cited to hear about what you have found, but I beg that you find whether what you seek is on this continent first. Kanaya will hold off the first mating day until you return, if it sh001d come to that. After all, she is not so draconian as the Imperial Drones were e%pected to be. I hope to hear from you soon, and enclose herewithin boundless love that would shame my STRENGTH from relative inadequacy.  
With my greatest affe%ion,  
Equius”

Aradia giggled to herself as she read it. He was quite brazen when he wanted to be, and his friendships with John and Rose seemed to be blossoming well. Aradia sighed as she folded the letter up again. She was quite thankful for sendificators and appearifiers. And as she crafted a sturdy lean-to from a crumbling building, she smiled. Tomorrow she would move on from the city, off to the rest of the steppe.

***

Six days out from the city. Two nights into the desert. Aradia had switched to being nocturnal again for this leg of the trip. Her white tent helped against sands encroaching on her. The dunes were cold at night, but the nighttime cold helped her deal with the daytime burning. She had written a letter to Kanaya asking if frying heat was normal for a desert during the day; she had responded that for most trolls, the correct term would be blistering.

A tall mountain had stood in the middle of the salt flat she had slept on the night previously. The cold air stung her as she looked around. The dryness of the air wasn’t helping her feel any warmer. She pulled her garments tighter and looked around. The desert had, from space, shown a large mountain range. It had been the only unclouded area on the planet, and Aradia was thankful for the thought Jade and Kanaya had shown by sendificating water every night. Even if a fair amount of it _did_ evaporate to the dryness of the air, it was still a nice gesture, and the water was still enough to help her through the desert.

She continued sketching. Her compass, which she’d only gotten as a novelty back on Alternia and never actually used, was now as treasured a possession for navigating the desert as the water she was sent. The desert’s animals were likewise mostly nocturnal, and she had, like any other desert predator, begun snacking on the smaller ones. The ones she kept on her person (the gods be praised for the dry climate of deserts slowing rot) tasted like popcorn, which started to grow on you after things tasting like feet or bitter weeds or other unpleasant (if edible) meats and vegetables. She didn’t normally like it, and the saltiness was still somewhat off-putting due to the lack of nearby water, but it was something edible.

The desert extended on for a while. She resolved that if she made this trip again, she was going to bring along salted meat and other foods made to last through a long journey. As well as a large quantity of water. Especially if she went to that desert-filled continent. That would be the worst trip ever, but she’d make it, gods be damned. She bit the tail off another small lizard, her sharp teeth slicing the tail off in one clean snap. She was thankful that the tails, at least, didn’t have bones. It made them easier to eat in a fit of anger, rather than snapping up a whole lizard and tripping over all the bones.

Eventually the moons were all gone. The brief period between moonset and sunrise had begun. Aradia would have this time to secure her tent as best she could. Setting up a tent in the dunes, she was discovering, required a bit more effort to hold up against the desert winds than setting one up in the salt flats. Eventually, though, she got the tent set up to her satisfaction. Opening her journal, she began taking notes.

“Date: 22nd Day of Expedition, 14th day of Summer, 4th Sweep Post-Arrival.

Desert continues to stretch on without visible end. Am suggesting that once expedition is done survey be carried out by Jade and Kanaya to determine significant landmarks of desert.  
Sand notes: Dunes significantly larger than previously thought. May have to burrow out if daytime winds are as high as nighttime winds. Sand is gritty and shows evidence of being formed from sedimentary rather than igneous or metamorphic rock. Will request again that someone form a geology panel to preserve geological knowledge.  
Will continue south, estimate journey will take another four days in desert, at which point will attempt to switch to a diurnal schedule again for trip through mountains.  
Report filed by A. Megido on 14 Summer 4.  
P.S. Requesting again for the committee on month names to actually come back with a consensus instead of having us go by seasons, the lazy fucks.”

She tore the page out and waited for it to disappear. As soon as it did, she rolled over and fell asleep.

***

Crossing the mountains had been surprisingly short. Only three days wasted on that nonsense. She seemed to have found a natural passage through and to the other side, a coastal plain. The lush grass, lightly populated with trees, seemed warm and caring. The four days she had spent searching the area had proved somewhat less fruitful, although she had a feeling she was getting close.

It was the fifth day that marked victory. A great frog temple, surrounded by twenty massive stone towers, as well as the two representing Prospit and Derse. She saw the Forge nearby as well, smoking slightly.

Walking in, she could see a great many glyphs. As she set to work decoding them, a look of realization dawned. Five and Five, and Five and Five. Twenty Towers. Twenty Heroes. Ten Trolls, Ten Humans, each Five of Prospit and Five of Derse. She sighed with relief. Yes, that meant that troll society would be… unusually close to human society. But she could handle that. It was very handle-able.

She marked the spot on her map. It was in a grassland untouched by even their predecessors. And eventually someone would have to settle there, just to make sure there was a human or troll at the ready, keeping watch over the Frog Temple. She grinned. Perhaps she herself could do it. That might be exciting. But for now, she would write down all the glyphs, so that later she could study and translate them. And then… then it would be back to the hive. She sighed. Be it ever so humble, there really was no place like hive. And she couldn’t wait to get back hive again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where the image links are gonna go.


	7. Rerun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave isn't sure what he wants with himself, but it's probably nothing good if it involves this much time-hopping.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was... interesting to write. I wanted Dave to send his past self on some sort of time hop adventure, but I wanted it to have a point. And my writing style meant that it took Dave a few time hops to get some reason to do this complicated time ballet. The end result is below.

_Sequence 1_

Dave looked around the neighborhood. It was a decent enough day, even if Eridan was still whining at his sister about how Sollux hated him and Equius hated him and he was in love with Nepeta and in hate with Terezi and Karkat and all these emotions. It was stupidity upon stupidity. And it was the first time he saw the other him, calmly waiting. Other Dave gave him a thumbs-up. Dave gave a shaky thumbs-up back.

A paper airplane got tossed to him. Instinctively, he caught and unfolded it. “go back ten minutes and visit kar and rez.” He looked at his future self, who lowered his shades and glared at him in a very “do it” way. Dave sighed, pulling out his timetables and sliding back ten minutes.

 _Sequence 2_

Karkat and Terezi’s hive smelled like weird alien sex and popcorn. There was a DVD in the player and it was looping some unbelievably long title. Dave sighed as he watched his two friends trying to conceal the fact that when he’d arrived, two minutes ago, he’d caught them as _in flagrante delicto_ as trolls got (nude and doing something over a bucket that left very little about troll sex to the imagination). True, they were no longer kids. Nineteen by now, since the new calendar was going to be a whole new level of awkward and call him sixteen.

Which apparently made Karkat feel so old it wasn’t funny. “Sixteen. I cannot goddamn believe it. I feel like I oughta be a grand high threshecutioner by now, but instead I’m barely out of ‘kid’ territory.” Dave shrugged. “So why are you here?”

“Because I told me to come back here for some —”

“I mean why did you come up to our room when you knew we were going to be…” A towel-clad Dave walked out of the shower.

“Sup.” Other Dave slicked back his wet hair with a grin.

“Sup.” Dave adjusted his sunglasses slightly and looked at the two dumbfounded trolls.

“Kar, don’t sweat it,” said Other Dave. “Dave’s about four hours behind the times.”

“So you want us to tell him what you told us?” asked Terezi. “Because I don’t think stable time loops like that. They’ve had a history of not liking it when we do that. Paradox space chews you up and spits out a dead Dave. Dead Daves are the enemy.”

“No, no, no. I’ll figure that out later. Just… talk.” Other Dave grinned. “In the meantime, I’ve got like three other Daves to point in the right direction. Including him two minutes ago.” And like that, Other Dave was out the door.

“So what the hell was that about?” Dave took off his glasses and cleaned them on his shirt. “I mean, I get that I’m gonna keep running into all these unbelievably cool dudes all over the place.” He looked at them. “But why the fuck was I in your shower?”

“Well, you came up to the door coated in something that looked like dirt or mud or something, claiming that you needed to use our ablution trap because yours was broken,” said Karkat. “And you said you’d be a while, you said you wouldn’t bother us any more than you already had, and, well, Terezi got all…” He shrugged.

“So we went upstairs and had fun for a little while and then you barged in… um… while we were in the middle of… well, you know.” Dave and Karkat were both brilliant shades of red by now, and Terezi was a teal beacon.

“Sorry about the blue balls, dude. But… why the hell would I be covered in dirt?”

“I asked. You told us. It was kinda weird, actually, listening to you telling us something instead of just saying ‘shenanigans’ like a raging tool.” Karkat sat back. “But apparently we can’t tell you what you said or you’ll die or some shit like that.” Dave nodded. “So I guess the only bit of information is that apparently you said you were going to Aradia’s after you’d visited us.”

“Huh. Well, to be fair, Aradia does live across from you guys, so it’s not all that long a walk.” Dave took off his shades, chewing on one of the handles. “There ought to be some reason why I’d go over to her place, though. I mean, Equius freaks me the fuck out, even if Egbert does say he’s a cool guy. I mean, the guy started talking to me and rapped about horse dongs.” Dave shuddered. “So visiting Aradia at her place would be a bit weird.”

“Hey, you’re the one who said you were going there.” Karkat paused. “Oh, you also said you’d just been to Nepeta’s.” Dave frowned. Maybe that was where he was supposed to — “Also, you’re having coffee here.”

“What? No, I have to go figure out what — “

“Coffee. Now. I don’t fucking care, one cup of coffee will not fucking kill you.” Karkat grabbed the cream and sugar and the coffee pot. “Good thing I had this start brewing when you first came over.”

“Ugh. Why does future me have to be such a mysterious asshole?”

 _Sequence 3_

“Nope! This is the furst you’ve been here today.” Nepeta grinned at him, curling up in his lap like a kitten. Kanaya giggled. “So what’s the repeating thing fur?”

“Honestly? I have no fucking clue. All I know is I felt like going back in time before visiting you was the right move. So here I am, there’s at least three of me running around town doing something, I have no clue what it is…” Dave sighed. “When I finally get to be that douchebag who was covered in dirt, I am going to fucking kill someone.”

“That’s not very nice,” said Nepeta, frowning at him. “Purrsonally, I think you need a moirail sometimes! And I know someone who could do a really good job at it!”

“Please don’t say Egbert, please don’t say Egbert, please don’t say — “

“Hmph! Mr. Egpurrt was going to be my furst suggestion!” Nepeta gave him a frown that would have caused diabetic shock in a full-grown man. “And I still think he’d be purrfect as your moirail! It’s not like you’re expected to have sex with him!” Nepeta made a disgusted face. “It’s a simple romantic attraction fur purrposes of… of… making sure a purrson stays sane!”

“Sane my ass. You just want to watch me fucking Egbert.” Nepeta laughed.

“If I wanted that, I’d call you two flushed!” She batted at his glasses. Dammit, he was losing the war on cute. “You’d be purrfect in moirallegiance, though!”

“Humans don’t need moirails. Humans need more ale.” Dave sighed. The black coffee from Karkat’s was still sitting in his stomach. He never understood why Karkat or terezi liked to add so much cream and sugar that it turned shit brown, but… to each their own. “Anyway. Kanaya. Do you have any ideas on why I’d visit Aradia?”

“Only conjectures. It is possible you’ve begun work on a project designed to stabilize unstable timelines, as you are both wielders of the element of time.” Dave rolled his eyes. “Well, then perhaps it is a chronological mess that requires straightening out due to some failure of the timestream to create a proper timeline.”

“Nah.” Dave readjusted his shades again. “If that happened, Paradox Space would put us all on the chopping block. It’d be Deathfest ‘15.” Kanaya nodded.

“There is the possibility of enabling some event which a future version of yourself shall be cognizant of.”

“Probably exactly what’s going on. I am such a cagey bastard.” Dave pulled a letter off the table. Snooping was his favorite activity, and this snooping was especially productive. It was a letter from Aradia from a few weeks back. It mentioned needing Kanaya’s help… and his.” Dave looked up and glanced at Kanaya. “So why not tell me Aradia wanted my help a few weeks ago?”

“Because a few weeks ago, she desired your assistance at the present time. I do not pretend to understand the Maid’s temporal shenanigans.” Dave laughed.

“Yeah, she’s a master of cagey bullshit too,” he muttered. “Fucking time loops. All right, then.” Dave opened up his sylladex and pulled out his timetables. “So here’s how shit’s going to go down. I’m gonna reverse back to when I knocked on the doors. You guys are going to do whatever you did when I appeared out of fucking nowhere. Later. Timetables out, move backwards.

 _Sequence 4_

Appear in the middle of the living room, see them making out, pause a few moments to admire before… knock knock. Out the back door before the lesbian wonder duo can let you in and let you catch yourself skulking aroun—

The hanging ankle trap was totally uncalled-for, and the conversation was buzzing in the other room. Which gave Dave time to think. He was going to need to have another self to turn around on some track. That or his future self was lying to him like he’d been lying through Jade that one winter a few years back.

The latter was definitely possible for the cagey bastard. Especially since he’d just tossed himself a paper airplane to get this whole clusterfuck rolling.

The telltale sound of turntables scratching back space echoed from the other room. Aradia was going to need his help, and here he was, some worthless tool caught upside-down by the ankle in Nepeta and Kanaya’s kitchen. Why did they even have traps in the kitchen? Who was going to steal from them? Dave sighed. Troll paranoia was one of the few things he hated unironically. It genuinely pissed him off.

“Silly Davey, you tripped the tripwire!” Dave grumbled. It was almost like Nepeta had expected him to… fuck.

“Did Future Me put you up to this?” Nepeta shook her head as she bounded into the room, grinning at him.

“I was just hoping to catch someone!” She loosened the noose on his left ankle. His thud to the ground was embarrassingly loud. “OK, you can go out the back door now!”

“Why even bother? I’m just going to head out the front.” Dave walked through the kitchen, into the den, and then out the door. “Ugh… Stupid time loops and goddamn me for not… of course. Aradia.” He dashed over to her house, only to find a note on the door. A note in his handwriting.

“hey asshole. aradias not in right now. try an hour ago.”

Dave sighed. She could be anywhere and anywhen she wanted, and with her god-ness it was even easier for her to set up stable time loops. Dave pulled the timetables out. Time: One hour ago.

 _Sequence 5_

“Wait.” Dave frowned at her. “I must’ve heard you wrong. It sounded like you said you needed help figuring out if humans and trolls could…” Aradia’s grin was a mess of teeth. “Aradia, we’ve been over this, ‘kay? We visited the planet in the future. No human-troll hybrids.” Aradia shrugged.

“I know, but…“ She tapped the notepad in front of her, covered in those weird troll letters. “This suggests that the humans and trolls of the future — the ones who’re fated to play the game, at least — are going to have human-troll hybrid babies.”

“…You’re shitting me, right?”

“It’s what it says! So I want to know if it’s something to do with their paradox clone abilities, or if humans and trolls can… you know.” Dave stared at her, his deadpan expression somehow echoing beyond his shades. “I’m not suggesting we do it right now! But… um… maybe in the future?” Dave sighed.

“Aradia, I don’t think we can, based on standard troll physiology.” He rubbed his eyes. “Believe me, I’ve seen it firsthand. Troll biology is fucked up, and there’s no way in hell that we can…” Dave shrugged. “I mean… you don’t even really have a… well… you know.” The conversation was entering a very embarrassing territory for Dave. After all, he wasn’t used to talking so frankly about female genitalia. “Besides, troll dick isn’t like human dick.”

“Huh?” Aradia tore off a piece of notebook paper and handed it to him. “Here. Draw what you mean.” Dave nodded; his art style was shitty when he wanted it to be, but right now he was going to draw the most realistic motherfucking depiction of human crotches on the planet. And troll crotches, from what he caught from Rezi and Kar.

“OK, see this? This is a human. And this is a human woman. And these two freaky motherfuckers are troll and trollette.” Aradia looked closely at the drawings.

“They look like Terezi and Karkat.”

“That’s because their models are burned into my fucking brain thanks to future me being a dick.” Dave indicated some key areas of difference. “So… in terms of girls, I’m pretty sure that this thing right here is going to make for some really awkward times with dudes. Human dudes, at least.”

“You mean the extractor pod? But that’s only out during blackrom mating, not red mating. Red mating it’s all about this set of organs.” She pointed to the human drawings. “You know. Mutual stimulation of the red organs until climax, instead of the violent tug-of-war between the black organs until the combined genetic material is forced out through one party’s — “

“I don’t want to hear any more about what I saw, thank you very much.” Dave paused. “So you mean that when you’ve got two guys in a red situation, they just beat each other off into a bucket?”

“Isn’t that how humans do it?” Dave sighed. This was going to be a fun explanation.

 _Sequence 6_

Dave should’ve realized that he would be doing this sooner rather than later. Yes, it was technically infidelity, but he and Aradia had agreed to loop backwards in time and have Dave show by example, since Aradia didn’t get it. “The moment I see that fucking stinger thing come out, though, it’s all over.” Aradia nodded.

“All right, fine, I’ll keep the black organs retracted. So is there anything else we need to do to prepare for it?” Dave pulled something out of his pocket, something he’d alchemized a while back once he realized that he and Jade wouldn’t be able to keep off each other for all that long.

“Yeah,” said Dave. “This. It’s called a condom, it’s to help keep you from getting pregnant if it’s even possible, and we’re going to see what happens from here on out. So… here we go.”

 _Sequence 7_

The note would have to be written quickly. It didn’t have mud on it, which meant it was written on the way to Karkat’s on the scrap of paper Aradia had shoved in his jean pocket. He moved quickly so that he wouldn’t get caught by anyone before reaching Karkat and Terezi’s.

He knocked on the door with his cleaner hand, leaving a little mud on it. “Hang on, hang on,” growled the grumpiest troll in grump-town. “OK, what the fuck, Strider. Why are you covered in mud?” Dave hesitated. He really, _really_ wanted to say “shenanigans”, but he’d told them already, so it wasn’t really going to be of any use. Still, he waited for Terezi to come over.

“OK, so. I just went to talk to Nepeta and Kanaya on a hunch from future-me, who is present-me, and I found out that Aradia wanted my help with something. That something, it turns out, is human-troll hybrid mechanics. I know what you’re gonna say, but she’s convinced it could happen. Anyway long story short I had to get a little physical to finally show her how human sex works between a dude and a chick, and you are not allowed to let Equius know anything about it.” He cracked his neck. “Anyway, I was gonna go home, but I remembered our shower probably wouldn’t be able to handle the mud and shit. So… can I use your shower?”

The two of them stared dumbfounded at him before Terezi said, “Uh… sure…” Dave nodded.

“OK, cool. I might be a while. Got mud in a lot of… interesting places. And I promise, whatever you do, I’m not gonna bother you. Although I will kinda want a cup of coffee after I get out.” Dave clomped right into the shower. He could hear Karkat grumbling about cleaning up the mess. That anger was going to keep going through the cleaning, and Dave figured it’d lead to a black romance session that would get interrupted by Past Dave.

As Dave began showering, he grinned. Everything was coming into place, and he had to admit, Aradia had been hot. As had Terezi. Really, either of them would be a good partner if they did the whole hybrids thing. The sound of the two of them clomping into the bedroom next door was his cue to turn up the shower. Despite having had it explained to him for about the most awkward post-coital hour ever, he still wasn’t keen on spying on blackrom twice in a day.

The front door opened as Dave was finishing with the last of the mud. The stubborn little bits that had clung to his privates were a bit gooey, and scrubbing them off had been a bit painful (and also, embarrassingly, slightly arousing). The three shouts told him it was time to turn off the shower and get dry.

One intense two-minute toweling session later, Dave wrapped the towel around his waist and walked out of the shower. “Sup.”

“Sup.” Past Dave adjusted his shades. Karkat was busy staring at Dave as if Past Dave had suddenly teleported to where he was.

“Kar, don’t sweat it. Dave’s about four hours behind the times.” Dave flashed his clothes on. After all, he didn’t need to keep standing with only a towel keeping Little Dave from showing.

“So you want us to tell him what you told us?” asked Terezi. “Because I don’t think stable time loops like that. They’ve had a history of not liking it when we do that. Paradox space chews you up and spits out a dead Dave. Dead Daves are the enemy.”

“No, no, no. I’ll figure that out later. Just… talk.” Dave grinned. “In the meantime, I’ve got like three other Daves to point in the right direction. Including him two minutes ago.” Dave didn’t bother to stay. He walked out the door. Next came the note on Aradia’s door. Even though she was in, loops had to be maintained. Out came the pen, quick came the note, and then came the next thing. He switched on the iShades.

 **_turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  arsenicCatnip [AC] (14:22)_   
TG: hey nep  
TG: got a question for you   
AC: :33 < Yeah?   
TG: you know that thing you got  
TG: the trap in the kitchen   
AC: :33 < What about it?   
TG: set it  
TG: and then how about you lez out with kan for a while   
AC: :?? < But I thought you didn’t like it when I set the trap!   
TG: yeah well stable time loops say its gotta be set  
TG: so set that shit  
TG: but if i drop by dont let me know its been set   
AC: :33 < I can do that!   
TG: awesome  
TG: im gonna go now  
TG: later   
AC: :33 < Furwell!   
_turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering  arsenicCatnip [AC] (14:25)_ **

OK. That was two Daves down (and one ankle that still kinda hurt) and one Dave to go. And that Dave would be the easiest one to catch. He wrote the note, folded it into an airplane, and waited to see himself walk by.

There he was. First Dave. Thumbs up. Thumbs up back. Toss the airplane. Go back home.

Wonder what the hell would happen if troll-human hybrids happened.

Regret that line of thought immediately.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One final note: I love the phrase _in flagrante delicto_. It just rolls off the tongue. In flagrante delicto~


	8. Nox

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three short night scenes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title changed so many times, and with it changed what the chapter was going to be about. Finally, I decided to just go with "Nox" and have it be a bunch of semi-related night scenes and callbacks. Plus it gave me a chance to use a Triple Full Moon, which would probably be the most beautiful sight ever. At least, I think so. But then again, I love the moon.

Night. Karkat was sitting on the hill, looking out at the moons, when Dave flashed in behind him. “Sup?”

“Thinking about the Mother Grub’s brooding. Wondering if Kanaya raised it right enough. “ Karkat sighed. “Worst case scenario it lays a Matriorb, but I really hope it just lays the fricking eggs. I calculated it out, she’d probably wind up popping twenty of the little bastards.”

Dave looked up at the triple full moon, a rare event that had, so far, only happened tonight. And possibly a few thousand years ago or few million or something ludicrously long ago. He could probably go check, but that would probably be a bad idea. “And if it’s less?”

“Well… it’s not used to brooding,” muttered Karkat. “So yeah. I guess that could happen. In which case I guess we’ll divide ‘em evenly however it winds up working out.” Karkat looked up at the sky. “You know, you really shocked me and Terezi a few weeks back with that barging-in-mid-blackrom thing.” Dave chuckled. “Then again, it’s not like we’re all that good with the blackrom leavings. I mean, our red material? Strong as fuck. Black material? Pretty weak.”

“You know, I’m curious. Is the stuff actually red or black?”

“Of course not, dipshit. It’s a light or dark tint of blood-shade. Duh.” Karkat looked up at the brightest moon. “So you excited about your wedding tomorrow? I hear Lalonde’s excited about fitting Harley in a dress as revenge.”

“What, for making Rose wear that hilarious thing of frills and lace?” Dave grinned. “Jade’s too serene to let Rose one-up her. If anything, Rose would suffer a setback from that. So we’d have Rose, the Snarkmistress of Darkness, suffering a staggering blow dealt by the forces of sincerity. And then we’re gonna find John leading her down the goddamn aisle like he’s her dad which I guess he’s kind of her ectobiogranddad?” Dave shrugged. “Beats me. Also you are the best man, no argument, got it?”

“Not going to argue that. Even if I don’t know what it means.” Dave shrugged.

“Basically means you get to stand next to me, walk with Rose down the walkway like I did with Jade at John’s, that sort of thing. Also you get to keep me company up front while I wait for Jade to appear.”

“How wonderful.” Karkat rubbed his eyes in a somewhat exasperated manner. “Terezi should be up here soon.” He glanced at the sky. “We were going to watch the moons together. Well, I was going to watch, she was going to sniff. You want to watch with me?”

“Fuck it, why not.” Dave sat next to him. “More ironic to not have a bachelor party when you’re as cool as me. Unlike that shindig I threw for John.”

“So that’s why he was hung over!” Terezi laughed as she climbed up the hill, sitting down next to Karkat. “I’m still confused about what this ‘bachelor party’ thing is.” Dave shrugged.

“Mostly involves going out and having a good time, getting smashed, all that. Plus, it was extra ironic for John to get one. I mean, it’s meant to be one last celebration of freedom, but everyone and their mom knows that John’s been pretty much chained to Rose since day one.” Dave grinned. “And so instead of a bachelor party I’m chilling on an alien hill with two alien bros who would’ve started alien makeouts if I hadn’t shown up.”

“We’ll probably wind up doing them anyway,” said Terezi, arms around Karkat. “Ooh… that moon smells delicious. LIke a great big lemony burst of lemon.”

“That’s Vriska’s," replied Dave. "And the red one is Aradia’s and the blue one is John’s. So… yeah.” Karkat smirked at Dave’s descriptions. “Hey, I think it’s pretty good descriptions.”

“Sure, if you’re a troll. Where was all that human flowery poetry bullshit you’re supposed to pull out of your ass?”

“Can it, Vantas, or I’ll put you on a one-way pain train to hurtsville.” Terezi laughed as the argument escalated into a mock fight. It was harmless to let them have their fun, and they were clearly enjoying it. And besides, it was a beautiful night.

***

“Here. The plains of Eshori.” Aradia led Equius to the spot she’d found. The warping was easy for her, even if she did have to make sure that Equius hadn’t eaten beforehand. “At least, that’s my translation of the name.”

“How breathtakingly quiet,” he whispered, taking her in a loose embrace. Gently placing his arms around her. Trying not to squeeze too hard, lest… The crack of a rib breaking was made louder by the quiet environment, and it spooked Equius, which he feared would be responsible for a bruise on her face where his chin met her under-eye. “I… I apologize.”

“Don’t do that,” whispered Aradia. “I know you’re trying. Even if this makes the fiftieth cracked rib since our relationship began anew.” Aradia pressed a gentle hand to his face. “I know you, Equius. I know you well. Some day, your strength will be under control. Until then… we make progress as best we can.”

“…Right.” Equius looked up at the moons. “They seem so large… larger than their fullness would suggest. It’s as though we’re closer to them here, on these cold plains…” He reached out like a wriggler, eyes full of wonder at the marvelous universe in front of him.

Aradia laughed and held him close. “Equius… do you ever dream about Alternia?” He shook his head.

“Only rarely, and then in nightmares.” He looked up at the sky. “It was a horrible place to grow up, and a horrible place to live in general, even for one of my status.” Aradia kissed him gently; he could feel her swollen lips on his. He offered no resistance as she kissed him gently, allowed her to kiss him, to unbutton his shirt. Wait. “Here? Upon these ancient plains?”

Aradia smiled. “Yes,” she said. “Here. Now. Let’s be adventurous. Red mating, without a pail. What say you, handsome stallion?”

Equius smiled. “Mare nerve have you than me. Neigh, I shall not resist. I leave my body to your tender ministrations, and shall lend you my fingers.” Aradia grinned.

In her eyes, tonight was going to be great.

***

John smiled over at Rose again. Jade had said twins, as had Kanaya, and they were the ultrasound types. Apparently she was suspicious about how far along the pregnancy was — John figured it was already the fourth month. Which was concerning considering that Rose and he had gotten married two months ago. John had mumbled something nervously when Jade had asked him about it. He hoped she wouldn’t put two and two together. It would just be embarrassing if his sister knew that his bride was pregnant on their wedding night.

Rose smiled at him. They were watching movies tonight, and it was a lull. John placed a hand on hers, and she smiled at him. True, they were going to be doing this rather a lot over the years, but Rose was surprisingly OK with it. John had expected a bigger argument than had happened.

Then again, when she’d been possessed, she’d seemed open — very open — to the idea of marrying him. As well as the idea of little John-and-Rose babies running around. She placed her head on his shoulder. “John… why exactly haven’t you changed the movie yet?”

“Because it’s your pick,” he responded, smiling at her, “and you haven’t picked.” John noticed Rose eyeing a DVD suspiciously. “Heh. Let me guess.” He pulled the DVD off the coffee table. “See, I’m kinda iffy on this one, at least partly because it’s… well… I mean, come on!”

“It has Tom Hanks.”

“And that’s about the only good thing about it.” John held in an exasperated sigh. “Honestly, normally I like movies like this, but… I am no fan of _Mazes and Monsters_.” Rose smirked.

“I knew of your taste for eclectic movies, but I had figured this one would top the list.” Rose cuddled with him, snuggling up as they went through the one “bad” movie that John just plain couldn’t stand due to a variety of factors but mostly because, to hear him tell it, the movie made no sense. Sure, he’d played a game that had fired meteors at Earth and had given Rose the (highly unpleasant) experience of being completely possessed by several whims of the Horrorterrors (although John’s presence had been a balm for that particular discomfort). And yet the idea that a game could turn someone into a completely different person… It was somehow beyond him.

But oh well. John was willing to watch it for her, and Rose enjoyed the mishandled psychology. It was a manual of what not to do with someone experiencing violent delusions. As well as possibly the most bizarre anti-RPG ad ever. Certainly the most expensive.

Rose cuddled up next to John. The two of them were going to watch the movie, even if John was probably going to whine all the way through it. She didn’t care. They were watching movies together. And who knows? Perhaps, she thought, she could get him to agree to watch The Omen with her — the original, not the shitty remake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NB: I've never seen either Omen movie. I'm just making Rose an Original Version Elitist. It seems... right.


	9. Anomaly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you know what's good for you, never insult a man's daughter to his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ten written. An eleventh and a twelfth begun. Sixteen total. This is gonna take a while.
> 
> Also, this one was lost in a hard drive crash, and by the time I'd remade it, some of the stuff in the previous chapters had changed. So... here we go.

The Mother Grub’s brooding had resulted in twelve eggs. Twelve eggs which had then hatched into twelve grublings. Which would have meant one each if Tavros and Vriska had survived. And that meant there were two extra. Kanaya chalked it up to inexperience and waste from not being able to process the slurry correctly… as well as possibly the idea that a brooding mother grub might use some of the genetic material as sustenance.

That didn’t alter the fact that there were two grubs left over. The trolls had agreed to wait until the eggs had hatched before picking their grubs. Eridan and Feferi had each picked one of the two sea-dwellers, of course, and Sollux had chosen a lazy-looking orange-blood. The others had been picked somewhat at random, until only two were left. One of them had blood almost Karkat’s color, but a little darker. John and Rose had volunteered to take that one, John because he wanted to raise a little troll-ling and Rose because… well, because of her issues with psychology.

That left one young female troll. Her horns were reminiscent of Vriska’s, and her blood looked like someone had swirled Vriska’s and Tavros’s blood together. Karkat was the one who, in a fit of rage, grabbed her and announced that he was going to raise her as best he could. He couldn’t help it. She reminded him too much of the two they’d lost. Her fangs and horns were reminiscent of Vriska, but the curiosity and wonder in her eyes… pure Tavros.

He should’ve expected it. Those two had been part of the incestuous slurry that had made half of them, including him. Obviously they’d be at least partly reflected in the new trolls… though Karkat had hoped it would only be the blood color distribution. He made a note to never ask Equius about how the hemospectrum would work from now on. The last thing he needed was to give that elitist asshole a new problem to work on.

And so it was that four weeks in he found himself and Terezi visiting Rose and John. Three grubs and two human kids were sitting in a playpen enjoying each other’s company. A girl with brown hair was tugging on one of the sharp little horns of her “brother” (Karkat shuddered; thousands of years of troll culture destroyed by one single word), while her black-haired human brother had picked up the grub Terezi had picked out and was probably going to prick himself on her pointy horns. Karkat sighed as the other male grub in there, the one he’d picked out, crawled up the human girl’s back.

“So why’d you pick those names again?” asked John. Karkat sighed.

“Eliyeh and Eisesa were each named after two of the blind prophets. Terezi wanted to name Serram after the third one, but I put my foot down there. Dyvvad is _not_ a girl’s name.” Terezi mock-pouted. “I still think it’s a fucking atrocity, what you’ve done with the little red-blood. Andrew Egbert? Honestly? You’re going with that?”

“Hey, it fits the pattern,” said John. “And anyway, what about you and miss Serram Vantas? Hm?”

“Hey, it’s ancient Trollic. Serram means Hope. Vantas means… er… forsaken. So she’s the forsaken hope.” Terezi began to say something, but he turned and glared at her. “Vantas does not mean extractor pod that is an exclusively female organ and I did not name myself after a portion of the female anatomy!”

“Hee hee.” Terezi grinned. “Actually, I was going to say that Vantas was the name of the Green Moon in ancient Jugaic literature.” Karkat glared at her. “And my, you’re certainly protective of her!”

“Well…” Karkat looked at the little grub, who had crawled atop his head. “She’s my… I mean… I’m her…” He felt uncomfortable with that word. He was her protector, her caretaker. He certainly felt a bond of kinship with her, something quite different from the red relationship he had with Terezi, or the friendship he had with John. A strong bond.

Karkat looked over at the two human children. “So what about them?”

“Well, Ryan _would’ve_ been named Egon or Peter if I’d had my way,” said John. “But Rose was firm on the whole fronts of ‘four letter name’ and ‘no Ghostbusters references’, so I was shot down on that front. Even though nobody would’ve made fun of him for being Egon!” Rose rolled her eyes.

“They would have.”

“And besides, if you hadn’t vetoed names from Ghostbusters, Lily could’ve been Dana!” Rose sighed. “Oh, what now? I thought you liked Sigourney Weaver!”

“John, Dana is a boy’s name.” John quirked an eyebrow.

“No, it’s not, it’s a girl’s name. Dana Carvey aside.” John shrugged. “Anyway, we decided to go with a six-letter first name for Andrew, and that was… um… the first name I could think of.”

“If John had picked Eliyeh, I have a feeling we would have a Roland or a Robert.” Rose walked over to the playpen and picked up the swiftly-growing grubling. It would still be about six months before he underwent metamorphosis into the humanoid form all trolls eventually grew into. “Andrew will be so interesting to study compared to his… er… cousins, I suppose, would be the most accurate term. Fellow broodlings, perhaps. If that applies.”

“Yeah, broodling’s an acceptable term,” said Karkat. “Kinda clinical, but that’s your general way of doing everything ever. What a fucking surprise, Lalonde is being clinical about raising a goddamn grub.” Terezi whapped him upside the head.

“Be polite, Karkles, or I’ll leave you on secretion duty.”

“Ugh… I already had enough of that with the fucking grubs in the veil. Seriously, do you have any idea how fucking crazy it got?” Karkat sighed. “And, I mean, Serram is bad enough. I mean, urgh, talk about having to watch her secretions and make sure it’s the right ratio of toxins and feeding byproducts…” Karkat looked up at her. “Kinda worth it, though. Isn’t she?”

“Yeah, she certainly seems to like you!” said John, grinning.

“Of course she fucking likes me, Egbert, I’m her… her…” John opened his mouth before a pointed glare from Rose shut him up. Karkat wished he’d ignored her look. It was just so hard to say such an unnatural thing. “I’m going for a fucking walk,” he said. “And I’m taking Serram with me. I’ll be back later.”

***

Lily squeezed Eliyeh like he was a giant stuffed animal, and Eliyeh playfully nipped at her nose. The two of them giggled as she fell backwards., Eliyeh squirming off to chase Eisesa around the outside of the playpen. Terezi sighed. “Ugh, so hard. Why can’t he just admit it about him and Serram?”

“Because he’s trying too hard to be the perfect troll,” said Rose, looking at the four infants playing together in the playpen. “He can’t help it. It’s who he is.”

“Yeah, Karkat’s always been a grumpy grump who wanted to be the perfect troll.” John caught the telltale odor of a full diaper. “Hoo boy. OK, time for me to take Young Mr. Adventure for a change.” John grabbed Ryan and began carrying him into the bathroom. “Who’s a stinky? You’re a stinky! Yes you are! Yes you are!”

***

Karkat walked through the town. Dave and Jade were chilling with their twins (Karkat briefly wondered if Sburb had made them so that they’d be more prone to having twins and such; he decided that that made a certain amount of sense), and they were talking to Equius and Aradia, the latter of whom had both grubs in her hair, gnawing on her horns in a very infantile manner. He looked up at Serram. “No horn-gnawing, got that, wriggler?” Serram’s only response was a raspberry. Karkat sighed.

He continued walking along. Feferi was cooing over her and Sollux’s grubs, Kanaya was needling Nepeta about picking the one that looked like a woofbeast… And Gamzee was speaking with a clearly-terrified Eridan about something. “Motherfucker goes and picks up the motherfucking dead end mutant,” he whispered. “If it were motherfucking me! I’d’ve squashed the motherfucking grub. MOTHERFUCKING FLAT!” He grinned. “After all. The only reason that motherfucker puts up with it is because they’re both motherfucking freaks! Both of them. Motherfucking! Goddamn. Freaks!” Rage filled Karkat. Before he knew what he was doing, he’d socked Gamzee in the mouth, knocking out a tooth.

“You ever fucking insult my daughter again, fuckass, and I’ll snap your damned horns clean off.” Karkat had never spoken in such a deadly calm before, but it worked. To a degree. At the very least, Gamzee was staring openly at him. Then he laughed, grabbed Eridan, and walked off, muttering something about the “motherfucking miracle to end all that motherfucking bullshit”.

Then came the applause. Karkat turned around. People had heard him. Shit. But… they liked it? “OK, what the fuck.”

“Stepped in like a true dad,” said Dave, giving him a thumbs up. “I bet Egbert’s old man would’ve said the same thing.” Equius nodded.

“Indeed.” He clapped Karkat on the shoulder. Karkat could hear the bone break. “I imagine your courage was stretched to the breaking point, standing against the Highblood in such a manner.” Equius paused. “Though I am unsure whether I shall have the same respect for the Highblood that I previously had, as Aradia has decided that we shall raise a grubling of even higher blood status than Lord Makara.”

“OK, I can handle being a father, but keep your weird hemospectrum change bullshit to yourself. Unless it means dropping your weird fetish of obeying Gamzee, in which case carry on.” Karkat carefully plucked Serram off his head using his still-functioning arm. “Kanaya… I’m going to take my daughter back to Rezi, and then… could you do your doctor thing?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really, really loved this chapter when I first wrote it. And when I wrote it all over again, I found I still loved it.
> 
> Not sure I can help that feeling.


	10. Boredom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Never let a troll stay bored unless you're willing to watch them like a hawk. Like a fucking _hawk_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was interesting to write. I knew what I wanted to write when I wrote out the first paragraph. I just had no idea how big of a disaster I could conceivably write while still making it at least somewhat funny. Hopefully it turned out pretty good, I'm not always the best at writing intentional comedy.

The cardinal rule of making sure the pupated wrigglers and the human children played together nicely was rooted in one firm concept: _Never_ , under any circumstances, allow a young troll to stay bored without constant supervision. This rule, though unofficial, had been established after a particularly destructive night at the Egbert House.

***

John had volunteered to babysit. Karkat and Terezi had wanted an evening to themselves for romantic purposes, Rose was off collaborating with Kanaya and Aradia on some secret project, and John was going to be watching the kids anyway — another three young trolls wouldn’t hurt. Plus, it’d be good to see Serram and Eliyeh again. Eisesa… well, she reminded him of Vriska, which hurt sometimes, and made him wary at others. Mostly, though, he was able to remind himself that she was just another troll grub-thingy or wriggle-bug or whatever. Karkat’s explanation had been missing several steps, and John wasn’t about to ask for filler information. He knew Rose could get at it, but controlled the urge to call her up and ask her. She was busy. She had to be, right? It was Kanaya and Aradia and the two of them ate up so much of her time even when he was there.

And Karkat and Terezi were quick to stop by and quicker to just leave a whole bunch of kids on his doorstep. So there he was, home alone with four trolls and two humans. And it was time for Movie Night with Uncle John slash Papa, featuring Matthew McConaughey. John figured this one would be in the bag. He’d get to watch some movies, he’d keep track of the kids, they’d have popcorn, it’d be great. And he’d prove that he could babysit! It was just a question of where to begin.

He left out _A Time To Kill_ , for starters. That one wasn’t good for kids as young as they were. Another couple years. Three or four. That’d be a good time to show them. _Failure to Launch_ wasn’t really the best beginning movie. No, the best one would be… yeah! _Contact_! It was about aliens, and contacting them, and… well, John wasn’t sure how else it applied, except that it had Jodie Foster.

John popped in the DVD, settled the kids in front with the promise of popcorn, and then went to fill that promise by making some delicious pan-popped goodness. None of this microwave shit, not in the Egbert house. They were having actual popcorn, just like Dad had made, and just like John was going to make.

Three minutes later he had begun using the fire extinguisher to put out the fire in the pan. But he still wouldn’t give up. There would be a way to salvage at least some popcorn from this! Less oil, that would be the trick! He hadn’t seen his dad make popcorn too often. He had very little to go on.

Another five minutes and the popcorn was rapidly overflowing the pan. It was bouncing everywhere. The floor, the cabinets, even into the oven. Fixing this mess would be difficult. But at least the kids would have popcorn! And everyone loves popcorn, so of course it would go over well.

It was about then that Andrew ran into the kitchen shouting something about Eisesa. John sighed. “Andrew, buddy, calm down. Can you tell me what’s gone wrong?”

“Eithetha’th makin’ a meth in th’ livin’ woom!” John sighed. “Lily an’ Wyan a twyin’ ta thtop ha!” John picked up his troll son and hurried into the living room. The sight that confronted him should not have been possible in six minutes.

Eliyeh and Serram were tied up with what looked like an entire roll of toilet paper. Somehow Eisesa, Lily, and Ryan had gotten into Rose’s needle collection and grabbed the Needlewands, the Quills of Echidna, and the special Zillyhoo Needles John had made for her on her last birthday. They were using them like swords, slashing at each other and making lightsaber noises (John never understood why Rose insisted the kids watch the Old Trilogy before the New Trilogy).

The situation escalated when John entered the room. Andrew leapt off John’s shoulder and pulled out a toy-sized Zillyhoo, rushing towards Eisesa. “I’ll get you, Doth Thuperbad!” And, holding the hammer by its head, he too began to duel with her. Meanwhile, Lily and Ryan were beginning to free Eliyeh and Serram. Figuring they were under control, John went to pull apart Andrew and Eisesa.

“All right, all right, break it up!” John held the two wriggling troll kids apart from each other. “Break it up, you two!”

“But _Daaaad_ … we wath jutht playin’!”

“Yeah, Mistah Egbert, we’re just playin’!” Eisesa tried to bop Andrew on the noggin with one of the Needlewands.

It was about then that he heard a boom from behind him, which unnerved John to the point that he dropped the two children. He turned around, hoping and praying that nobody had gotten hurt. He saw Eliyeh standing in front of eight dice, his hair singed and his face soot-blackened. On the floor and ceiling were scorch marks, and one of the legs of the dining table had been knocked off. “What the…” John picked up the Fluorite Octet and shoved them in his pocket. “What were you doing with those?”

“Me an’ Serram was gonna played a game! We was gonna see who woulda rolled the highest! I gotted a eight, but it blowed up.” Eliyeh frowned. “I guess we can’t plays with those dice no more.” John sighed.

“These dice are really dangerous,” he said. “Rolling them can hurt people, or even yourself. It’s not a game, no matter how much it may seem like — Ow!” He turned around. Eisesa had chucked the DVD player remote at him. “All right, that is it! Everybody stop it, right now!” Andrew, Ryan, and Lily all dropped what they were holding — and John noticed, a little late, that Lily had been holding the vase that held the roses he’d grown Rose for her birthday. It was too late to Windy Thing it to safety. The vase shattered on the floor.

Serram and Eliyeh had also stopped what they were doing, but they kept a tight grip on what they were holding. In Eliyeh’s case, he had pulled a Scalemate from his sylladex. In Serram’s case, she had somehow gotten hold of the music box that Aradia had given Rose upon learning that birthday gifts were a thing with humans. John breathed a sigh of relief. Serram hadn’t dropped the incredibly fragile box. That just left…

Eisesa was climbing the couch and showing no signs of stopping. Upon reaching the apex, she leapt, shouting “Banzai!” John stopped her in midair. He was glad he was still able to do the Windy Thing. He had a feeling that if he weren’t, Serram would have crashed into the coffee table and begun bleeding. One of her horns might have even snapped. He set her down gently next to him and placed a hand on her head.

“All right, that’s enough.” John looked at all of them. “We’re going to clean up this mess before Mommy gets home and Mr. Karkat and Ms. Terezi come to pick up their children. Understood?”

And so the cleaning process began. John, of course, set himself the task of cleaning up the glass shards of the vase. From behind him, he heard Eliyeh loudly complain, “I’m bored!” John sighed and turned around.

“Eliyeh, you helped make this mess, you have to help clean it up.” John turned back around and continued cleaning up the glass.

“I smell burned popcorn!” said Lily a short while later, holding her nose as she grabbed an armful of toilet paper.

“Yeah, Daddy wasn’t all that careful with the popcorn the first go-around.” John would be so glad when the evening was over and he was able to let Karkat and Terezi take their little nightmares home. He was so focused on cleaning up the glass, he didn’t hear anything out of the ordinary until the crash from the kitchen. “Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, god no.” John rushed into the kitchen, praying that the young trolls hadn’t flipped the pan over. It didn’t sound like it, but you could never be too careful.

The scene in the kitchen was chaos. It had been no more than fifteen minutes since Eliyeh had announced his boredom, and already the four trolls had climbed up onto the counters and were rifling through the upper cupboards. John rushed towards the stove, using the Windy Thing to help catch a falling cast-iron skillet thrown down by Andrew. On his other side, he heard a glass vinegar bottle shatter as it hit the ground. He turned to see an awed Serram looking at the pattern the spilled vinegar made. He’d have to ask someone to repair it. Probably Aradia, since she was both a god and a time player.

Lily, meanwhile, was dodging small plastic spice bottles being thrown by Eisesa, as well as trying to throw chopsticks at her. Mostly they wound up clattering and making even more of a mess. Ryan, meanwhile, had found the box of macaroni noodles and was beginning to eat the dry noodles two-fisted.

And Eliyeh… Eliyeh was sitting in the sink, holding a pair of ladles and whacking at the edges of the sink and the countertops as though he were some sort of drum virtuoso. A vein in John’s forehead throbbed. He was seriously angry now. “All right! Everybody stop, right now!” John lifted all the kids to the floor with the Windy Thing. It was getting more use tonight than it had during their entire quest. “You guys are going to clean up everything. Ryan, you are going to put that macaroni box on the dinner table and your mother and I _will_ be talking about this.” He turned to the other five. “And all six of you will be cleaning up — and I’m going to make sure you stay cleaning up.”

John’s attention didn’t waver from the children from that point on, even though he didn’t trust them to clean up the glass bottle; that would be his to clean up once the parents had arrived. He was frazzled, he was tired, and by the time they’d finished cleaning he was ready to call it a night. But he still had to wait for trolls to arrive, and then for Rose.

Karkat and Terezi dropped by first, an hour later. John gave them their three hellions, explained what had happened, and allowed himself a few moments of relaxation as Karkat began yelling at the children for continuing their destruction after Mr. Egbert had told them not to, and that was rude, do you understand, it was fucking rude and we will be coming back tomorrow so that you three can apologize for the trouble you caused Mr. Egbert.

It was about then that John heard the four words that inspired the ultimatum he gave Rose when she came home. “But we was _bored_!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BUT WE WERE BORED!


	11. Siblings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's face it, even if you love your brother/sister, that doesn't mean you won't take any opportunity you're given to beat the crap out of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wanted to do a chapter focusing on sibling relationships in the next generation, and this is what I came up with. Enjoy!

“Ryan, stop pullin’ on my horns!” Andrew Egbert winced as his brother kept dragging him by his short little horns to… “And where are we goin’, anyway?”

“Shush! We’re gonna see what Eletra’s fightin’ with Ahrman about!” Ryan continued to drag his brother by the horns towards a nearby source of commotion.

“But I told Serram we were gonna go catch frogs! Ow ow ow!” Ryan kept dragging him along, seemingly oblivious to the pain he was causing.

“You c’n catch frogs any ol’ day! Eletra and Ahrman are fightin’!” Andrew winced as Ryan continued to drag him by the horn.

“But they fight ev’ry day!” Andrew swung a fist and hit Ryan in the small of the back. “Lemme go I wanna catch frogs with Serram like I told her I was gonna!” He swung and kicked, eventually managing to get Ryan in the back of his knee.

“Owww!” Ryan let go to grab hold of his knee. Andrew took the opportunity to run. “Andrew get back here I told Zeseni you were comin’ with me to see ‘em fight c’mon Andrew!” Ryan ran after him, stopping at the village edge. “C’mon, Andrew! You c’n catch frogs with Serram whenever!”

It was no use, though. Andrew had already run off. Ryan stamped his foot. “Ohhh! Andrew you knucklehead!”

***

Eisesa burst out laughing at Eliyeh’s accusation. “Don’t be silly, Liyeh. Why would I grab cookies from Mrs. Nepeta’s house? Mom’s cookies are the best except for Mr. Egbert’s!” Eliyeh rolled his eyes.

“Because, Sesa, you wanted Cannia to get in trouble! Again!” Eisesa stuck out her tongue. “Her and Zeseni!”

“Can’t prove nothin’, little Mr. Accusation! Back it up if you’re so certain!” Eliyeh growled at her.

“You know I can’t! Cannia an’ Zeseni both had grudges with you, but this is low! There’s no need to involve their moms in this!” Eisesa grinned.

“Better’n involvin’ Ahrman’s dads,” she taunted, grinning at him. “Or didja forget what Mrs. Nepeta said ‘bout Mr. Gamzee?” Eliyeh shuddered.

“Shut up, Sesa! Mr. Gamzee’s got Daddy to help keep him from goin’ all BLARGH MURDER on us, an’ he’s got Mr. Eridan f’r a punchin’ bag.” Eliyeh paused. “None of the humans use their Misters or Missuses as punchin’ bags!”

“That’s ‘cuz none of the humans have hate-love, dumb-dumb!” Eisesa bounced up. “I’m gonna have a thousand lovers. An’ all of ‘em are gonna be awesome!”

“You can’t have a thousan’ lovers, Daddy says if you try you’ll jus’ wind up hurtin’ future trolls!” Eisesa stuck out a tongue at her brother.

“I’m gonna have ‘em an’ you can’t stop me, Eliyeh!”

“There i’n’t even a hunderd of us!”

“Yeah, but we got some new wrigglers! Ahrman an’ Eletra got a little brother n’ sister an’ Daddy brought home Dyvvad an’ Ecky f’r us to play with!”

“His name’s Ecbios, Sesa!” Eisesa stuck out her tongue and blew an enormous raspberry at her brother.

“I don’t have to listen to you anyway, you’re my stupid brother!” And with another raspberry, she ran off. Eliyeh chased after her. He was going to yank her hair and tug on her horns and he’d see if she was still saying all that stupid stuff after that, oh yes he would!

***

“Bro! Bro! The sea monkey an’ the Highblood are fightin’ again!” Zersec sighed as he walked over to his younger sibling and gave her a smack upside the head, his hand catching for a moment on her horns. “Ow! I’m tellin’ Narces you hit me an’ then he’s gonna tell dad an’ then — “ Zersec twisted his younger sister’s ear.

“Nestra, they are not ‘the sea monkey’ and ‘the highblood’.” He continued to twist further. “They are Ahrman and Eletra, they are good trolls, and they don’t need you making things hard on them!” He let go of Nestra’s ear, at which point brilliant green tears began welling up in her eyes. “No. Stop it. No crying. You wanted to hurt my friends.”

“She didn’t mean it,” came a voice from behind him. Zersec turned to see his brother, Narces, standing there and bleeding. One of his horns was mostly broken off, a couple of teeth were missing, and his left arm looked broken. Violet-blue blood was spilling onto the ground.

“What the hell happened to you, Narces? Did you get into a fight with one of the forest beasts?” Narces shook his head.

“Got into a fight with Egbert.” Zersec’s jaw dropped.

“Again? That’s the third time this month! Dad is going to be so mad when he sees your horn almost clean gone!” Zersec sighed. “Why’ve you been fightin’ Ryan anyway? I thought you two got along!”

“Wasn’t fightin’ Ryan,” murmured Narces, wiping a bit of blood from his lip. “I was fightin’ Egbert.” Zersec paused, then began laughing.

“Narces ha-ates An-drew, Narces ha-ates An-drew!” Nestra was quick to join in the sing-song lyric, ignoring the fact that Zersec had twisted her ear for calling Ahrman a sea monkey. Making fun of either big brother was totally hilarious in the eyes of the young troll girl.

***

“Zeseni, c’mon! You gotta help me convince Mama and Mother it wasn’t us!” Cannia Lupein was giving her sister the biggest puppy eyes she could, but Zeseni was having none of it.

“You were the one who wanted Eisesa to come play,” she said. “‘s your fault, not mine. I was busy watchin’ Axyrid an’ makin’ sure she didn’t crawl anywhere weird.” Cannia whined slightly, hugging her sister from behind. She knew Zeseni hated that.

“Please? Please help me?” Zeseni wriggled in her sister’s grasp.

“No! No no no no no! Lemme go, Cannia!” Zeseni wriggled harder, one of her horns catching on Cannia’s. “LEMME GO!”

“Only if you help me!” Zeseni continued to struggle.

“I dun wanna!” The two horns were now locked together quite expertly. “Lemme go!”

“Eisesa said you took the cookies too!” Zeseni paused in her struggles. “You gonna help me?” The yellow-blooded troll growled.

“Stupid Eisesa makin’ everything go bad I oughta just kick her in the seedflap an’ then snap off her stupid horns… fine OK I’ll do it!” Cannia let her sister go and untangled their horns.

“Thanks!” Cannia immediately began dragging her off.

“Not right now! I wanna see the fight! It’s about to get good!”

“They’re just shoutin’!” Zeseni glared at her.

“If you don’t let me watch the fight I’ll tell Mother it was all you.” Cannia glared at her.

“Oh fine, watch your stupid shouty fight! And I’ll watch with you just because!” Angrily, Cannia picked up a rock and threw it towards the fight.

***

“Well fine! Then I’m going inside!” shouted Ahrman, turning around and walking away. Eletra was probably still glaring at him. And it was about then that the rock fell out of the sky and conked the young sea-dweller on the back of the head. “OWWWWW!” Ahrman turned around and saw Eletra standing there with an innocent “Who me?” look on her face. “You brained me with a rock!”

“I didn’t toss that rock, you stupid finface!” Ahrman picked up the rock and threw it at his sister. It landed dead on target, right between the eyes. “OW! Hey you jerk-faced jerk-eyed sack of jerk! If you’re gonna throw rocks at me I’m gonna throw ‘em right back at you!” She picked up the rock, but this time Ahrman was ready for her. The rock flew through the air, and Ahrman ducked, the rock grazing his hair. Now that she was unarmed, he rushed her.

“You’re the jerk-faced sack of jerk!” he said, his hands meeting hers as he tried to push her to the ground. “I oughta punch you in the face for that!” The dance of combat had been entered. Ahrman lifted a knee to intercept Eletra’s attempt to kick him in the gut.

“Punch me in the face for what? You’re the one who threw the first rock!” Eletra pushed him back, then jumped up to kick him in midair. This wasn’t the brightest move, because it allowed Ahrman to get under her and redirect her so that she, instead of kicking him, landed flat on her back. He grabbed her by the hair and pulled up.

“Apologize!” Her response was to bite his nose. Yowling a little in pain, he let her go. She then went for her one-two-three combo: heel jammed into the instep (which was a success), knee to the groin (also a success), and a fist to the solar plexus (surprisingly, that one missed and only hit his ribcage). Ahrman decided it was time to stop playing nice. He grabbed her by the horn and yanked, hard.

The force of the pull was enough to send Eletra to the ground. Ahrman lifted a fist to begin punching her over and over and over again. Her stupid lies made him so angry. She was going to pay for lying to him so much! The fist fell once, twice, three times. Her cartilage nub was broken now, and she was bleeding.

A rough hand pulled him off her. “Ahrman. Quit it.” Ahrman turned at the sound of the voice, almost punching his trusty moirail in the face. Zersec roughly dragged him off his sister. “Sorry I wasn’t here sooner, Eletra. I… I didn’t think it would spiral out of control so quickly.”

“Someone threw a rock, that’s why.” Eletra glared at the crowd; Ahrman could see Cannia ducking down and blushing. His anger started to rise again, until Zersec’s hand gripped his shoulder harder.

“I think it was Cannia. Now then, you sort it out with her. Me and my moirail are going to have a nice long feelings jam and sort all this anger out.” Zersec’s tone brooked no argument, and Ahrman let the highblood lead him away.

“…Sorry, Eletra,” he said before she was out of earshot.

“Yeah, whatever.” She was now glaring at Cannia, who was blushing really strongly.

***

Sollux sighed. His two oldest were still nowhere to be found. And today was the day he was going to teach them more about Alternian history. Then again, maybe that wasn’t so surprising, considering that they both liked Alternian history about as much as Strider did. Either one, of course; one of them didn’t want to admit she had the stomach for it and the other one figured it was pointless to talk about a dead world. Dave was probably right, of course, but it was his heritage and he would be good god damned if he didn’t teach his kids.

The thought still made him feel a bit uneasy. He hadn’t been raised to be “fatherly”. He’d been raised to handle an animal. Although he supposed he could apply some of the same lessons he’d learned from keeping his lusus from acting out on its blatant stupidity to raising children. As he approached the kitchen, he could hear two young voices talking.

“I dunno! Why do you wanna keep hangin’ out with Eithetha?” That would be Aorien, his first male charge. Sollux had three guesses who he was talking to, and they were all the same. And, probably, all correct.

“I know, I know,” replied Silkei, Aorien’s sister. “I just… I mean, I think she’s so interesting!” Sollux laughed a little as he pushed open the door. The fin-faced little broodling reminded him so much of Feferi it wasn’t funny. “Oh! Hi Daddy!”

Aorien turned and looked at him. “Hey, Dad. Do we have ta do our lethonth today? It’th jutht going to be more Alternian hithtory bullthhit.”

“I know you guys don’t like it, but it’s your heritage. At least try to be interested.” Silkei glowered. Her horns were taking a strange shape; where at first there had been three small nubs, now her horns were more like a pair of growing ridges. Or fins, perhaps. Sollux stood firm, though, his smellsight aiding in the intimidating nature of his dead-eyed glare. “We are going to have these lessons and that’s final.” And in a trivial display of psionics, the two children were picked up and unceremoniously deposited at the table.

***

“Sho yeah Eishesha wen’ an’ I think she’sh tryin’ to get Cannia an’ Zesheni in trouble!” Serram grabbed a frog just as he was trying to leap into the water. “Gotcha!” She glanced at Andrew. “Why’re you all bloody, anyway? Shomethin’ happen?”

“I saw Narces an’ I got in a fight.” He grabbed a frog and grinned. “On’y got a black eye an’ a couple bruises too! Narces lost a tooth or three!” He paused. “Hey Serram?”

“Yeah Andy?”

“Stop callin’ me that. Anyway. Um. Do horns grow back?”

“I don’t think sho,” she replied, counting the frogs in her covered bucket. “Mishter Equiush shtill hash hish horn broken.” She paused. “You didn’t!”

“I did.” Andrew’s face was deep brick red. Serram’s jaw dropped.

“You’re gonna be in sho much trouble! I’m gonna tell your dad!” And, grabbing her bucket of frogs, she ran off, Andrew in hot pursuit.

**Author's Note:**

> Jesus christ, I have way too many projects I'm working on. All the projects. All of them.
> 
> Anyway: As this story progresses, there _will_ be grubs. You _have_ been warned.


End file.
